Somewhere at some point some executive for Fox watches a preview or something for the new episode of House and says “What the hell?”
However, he doesn’t mention it to anyone. Especially anyone at Fox. He did mention it to me. Calling me on my cell phone at 3:42 A.M. just to whisper, “Hey, is this Coyote Rush?”
“Yes, it is. Is this the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson?”
“No, but I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I need to talk to you about someone that I put on TV that we put way too much emphasis on his pill taking ability.”
“You mean, House?” I said.
“No, well, maybe, I can’t talk to you on here.” Said some TV executive for Fox or something.
“But you are talking to me on here.”
“Well, if you want the story you’ll have to meet me at Starbucks.”
“What story and why there?” I said.
“I can’t tell you that.” Said some dude at Fox.
“It’s so dang early, what’s going on?”
“What time is it?” He said.
“I’m going back to sleep. I’ll put my phone on silent. Call back and leave a message.”
“Ok, I will.”
So, with great disdain, I went to a random Starbucks and it just so happened to be the Starbucks he was at.
He asked me not to mention his name, I listened, then immediately wrote his name down: Jimbo House Blowsintits.
Jimbo House Blowsintits was in his mid thirties and dumb as a bag of old paint chips. However, he told me within the first three minutes of meeting him fifteen times that his IQ was 152. I just kept responding with varying versions of “That’s cool dude.” A remark I made for many years in my life that is followed or preceded by a sympathy laugh. (He didn’t pick up on any of that.)
I couldn’t figure out if he was purposely that obtuse to hide his brilliance, actually really dumb, or a combination of any or all of those. Seeing he hadn’t even mentioned anything regarding anything, I asked him if he knew much about Geometry in which he launched into a four minute story about how he often thought of naming his first born child, Isosceles.
I pretended to care and said, “that’s cool dude.” He went on, telling me that he liked to put peanut butter on his soda crackers, very much liked to open a can of Cherry Coke before he went to bed, setting an alarm to wake him at roughly 3:00 a.m. drinking half of it, then going to the bathroom. During this story, I started packing up my things. I responded amid his story with a loud sympathy laugh and a “that’s cool dude,” that almost made him stop his story, but he didn’t. I was at the exit when he said, “do you ever watch House?”
I said, “No, but it pisses me off that they use Massive Attack’s Teardrop as their intro song.”
“Oh, I picked that song.” Said Jimbo House Blowsintits.
“Wait, you work on that show?”
“Yeah, I practically invented it.”
I walked directly to the table I was sitting at, smacked him in the face and sat back down. “Go on.” I said.
“Well, I called you because I didn’t know who else to call. I mean, there is always the Ghostbusters, but I didn’t feel they could do much in this situation. I just needed to tell someone that House’s continuous two day beard and always going against the suggestion of other doctors to save people’s rare diseases has got to the point of being embarrassing.”
I smacked him again for having anything to do with that show.
He pretended not to notice, but giant crocodile tears welled in his eyes the size of silver dollars. He continued, “it’s just, I don’t know how to end it… It’s one of the most popular shows on TV-”
I cut him off, “Have you ever watched TV? Every show on TV is TV’s highest rated and watched show. From ‘Pawnstars’ to ‘The Closer’ to ‘Two and a Half Men’ (and a baby). They are all TV’s most watched show.” Then I smacked him again.
By this point he was bawling. “It should have never got this far. I pitched the idea so long ago thinking it wouldn’t last and it’s been so long. It’s got a mind of its own. I don’t know if it can be stopped. Please, help me.”
“That’s cool dude,” I said, nearly sick from his story and the smugness of the Starbucks that surrounded me.
He wiped away his tears and asked me, “Have I told you that I have an IQ of 152? I don’t like to mention it, but I just wanted you to know that smart people make mistakes too.”
“That’s cool dude.”
“Do you know that no one even writes House anymore? Out of the blue, there is a new episode, with its own previews and everything. I fired all the writers two years ago. I shut down the set that the show tapes on. I personally killed Hugh Laurie!”
Hearing this story, I was quite sure that I was talking to a complete lunatic. So, just for the fun of it, I smacked him as hard as I could.
With this smack his face contorted into a mixture of a 13 story building, a telephone, a green light bulb and a Dandelion. He began thrashing in all directions simultaneously, which made him not move at all. His fingertips started blaring Massive Attack and finally, he evolved into a full grown Sloth.
I smacked the Sloth as hard as I could. ‘It’ moved slowly away from the table and took its damn time to climb a tree.
Jimbo House Blowsintits, was no more. Unfortunately, House and all of his stupid limping, was still scheduled to air at its regular time slot.
Stay Tuned!
Coyote Rush
this made me laugh really really hard, especially the last name blowsintits
I had to tell someone this. It was clogging my head. 😀