Dear Coyote Rush,
I hope this letter reaches you with great speed and finds you in high spirit. As you may have been aware, I have been in a NYC jail for months now. The officers haven’t informed as to why I was arrested or why I haven’t been released. When I ask they glare at me and begin to chuckle. I find it confusing.
The lawyer that has been working with me, that says he knows you, has interesting methods. At first he was really challenging the officers and the judge to get me released, but now it appears his focus is on something else. He spotted the only attractive female deputy and has made it a ritual that he will only come to see me on the days she works. Could you find out if they are Facebook official? I can’t and I don’t blame him, she is pretty, but I have been here since last summer and our trip to Somalia is still important to me, I know there will be plenty of exciting news. Do you think the Shockuation Room could get some of the officers a gift bag to show our might and our power so I could possibly be released?
I imagine you’ve been wondering how I am holding up, this being the longest I’ve ever been away from my home and it’s been in jail. To be honest, I was really scared at first. Now I am just tired, miss my car, mom and the ability to be not in jail. I still get a lot of questions asked to the day I was arrested. All I know is the officer didn’t like what had become of my engine, which I don’t understand myself. My car got a little crazy.
Anyway, back to the lawyer. I don’t think he knows how to do laundry. He curses like a sailor and says things that are related to being a stooge. Like, “why I oughta” and stuff like that. Besides that he’s pretty smooth. I think he has to be with a name like Steven S. Stephens. Could you possibly change his mind on only coming into to see me to hit on his new girlfriend?
Another idea I have is that you could come do a story in NYC and stop by to see if you can get me out of this place? I don’t even know how big my ticket and jail costs are going to be. It is getting a tad out of control.
-Oliver Pepper