BOUVET ISLAND, NORWAY — There is an incredibly serious issue sweeping the globe.
According to a completely unofficial and incomplete survey conducted recently, there is an alarming rate of confusion regarding what constitutes a job. At the forefront of the issue are stay-at-home mothers who have determined that stay-at-home mothering is an acceptable thing to enter into the “employment” field of their social networking profiles. (When I say this, please note I am a woman myself and therefore inherently exempt from being classified as sexist.)
This is senseless, and I will illustrate that an important minority group falls victim to these untrue claims of employment: babies.
The guilty party clearly lacks understanding when it comes to the way the world works, and their ignorance is actually harmful. If you have a job–working for someone and making money–then you can say it’s your job. If you have a brood of ankle-biters whom you care for, that is not supposed to be considered a job. I believe that saying so would be extremely offensive to your babies. In fact, experts have attributed this senseless phenomenon as the cause of rising infantile depression rates (marked by symptoms such as: incessant crying with no known remedy, screaming, biting, or running oneself into objects). All babies want is love, not to be treated as objects that you are employed to clean, fuel, and maintain.
I myself have a family which consists of eight human children under the age of 16 months, and eleven horses who will be confined to wheelchairs for the rest of their lives. Do you think that it is easy to care for them? No. But I would never try to claim that doing so is my job. To the contrary, my job as listed on all of my internet profiles is a perfectly honest one: Gangster. As a gangster, I work for an acclaimed Gang Chief Executive Officer named D. E. Aldobrandino. I make an honest income through this employment, and I definitely don’t harm the dignity of baby children.
In conclusion, I beg you to realize the terrible situation you place your children in when claiming that motherhood is your job. Exhibit respect toward your babies, rather than continuing with this senseless insult to their fragile human dignity.