No Name, Colorado-
I drove to Colorado because Oliver Pepper and his cocaine fueled expediation into Somalia is costing us a fortune. Actually it isn’t because we gave him fake credit cards, passports and all else he’ll need. Surprisingly no one has caught on. Lucky for Oliver.
Anyway, I drove to No Name, Colorado. Trust me it is a real place. It’s super. :/
His name was Roger Wright. He was not pleased. He believed that his cell phone was broken. He had taken the phone to different cell phone stores to attempt to find out what was wrong with it, all of them told him nothing was wrong with it. This did not please or was not good enough of an answer for Roger.
He drove on: Denver, Colorado Springs, Boise, Idaho. It was getting a tad ridiculous. I caught wind of this through the Shockuation Room’s antenna for news! It works like a charm, how else do you think we would be able to come up with the stories that keep you abreast of not only the United States, but of the World.
CNN is a joke, they wish they had our antenna. But, we tell them to go take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
So, there I was, face to face with Roger Wright, completely dead set that his cell phone, though on and appearing to look like any normal cell phone did not function any longer. He had came up with a sticker that said RIP, he had placed it on the back of the phone, that was tragic in itself.
I asked him when was the last time he tried to call someone, not like a girl that he was into, because there are only 123 people that live in No Name, that is no joke, the name of the town is quite comical though, don’t you think?
Sorry, off topic.
Have you ever wondered why buildings are called buildings when they are finished, why wouldn’t they be called builts? Building is the process of acheiving something that is built. Right? Oh, well, more of topic.
Have you ever wondered what way the toilet paper should roll off? Like over the top of the roll or underneath the roll? There is no correct answer for this, just make sure to wipe your butt or NO ONE WILL WANT TO HANG WITH YOU.
Anyway, Roger has been into a girl that lives about 30 miles from No Name. He has been waiting for her to text him back for two weeks, she hasn’t. I asked if anyone else has called him and he said no. I asked if he had tried to call anyone else besides Zoey. He said “Dude, you think I am going to call and text her everyday, I’m not that psycho.” I thought to myself, yes you are, you haven’t received a text from a girl who is obviously blowing you off and you’ve drove like a thousand miles trying to figure out if your friggen cell phone is broken.
I walked around the apartment. I looked in his refrigerator, things did not appear normal in there. He had three cans of Pepsi and that was it. I opened the cupboards- they contained only instant potatoes. I walked around the apartment some more, he didn’t seem to give a shit. So, I walked to the window and threw the curtains wide and the dust and light blinded me momentarily, as I looked back at Roger he had hid himself behind the couch. I asked him when was the last time he had been outside. “The last time I went outside was two weeks ago when I drove to Boise, for my cell phone.”
“Alright,” I said, “Give me the godforsaken phone.” He handed it to me. It was normal. The battery was full, the reception was not well. I didn’t care. I called Zoey, this made Roger scream in agony. He begged me not to do it, I told him to shut the hell up dude.
She answered happily, “ROGER??!”
“No, actually this is James Dust, I am here to help Roger, he has thought his cell phone has been broken for weeks. He’s driven all over the west to find someone to tell him what was wrong with the phone. I called you, he was afraid to seem like a pyscho, so he hadn’t called, planning on you texting or calling him so he wouldn’t feel like a stalker.”
“Oh, my cell has been broken for a few weeks and I hadn’t had the money to get a new one until now.” Zoey said. “I was going to call him to see if he wanted to do something tonight.”
I looked at Roger covered the phone, dude she wants you to take her out on a date. Roger turned completely pale, near death or about to pass out. “What the hell is the problem now?”
“I don’t have a thing to wear!”
“Oh my GOD Roger, what are you some sort of sociopath?”
“What’s that?”
YOU’RE THAT!!!
I asked Zoey where she lived, she said Glendale.
I asked her what her favorite place to eat was, “She said, oh I don’t care anywhere that Roger wants to eat.”
I said, “For the love of God, do not do this. Pick a restaurant, I have a lot of work here to help Roger out, uhh his car won’t start and stuff.” (Worst sounding lie ever.)
“Ok, I want to eat at Freshly Hooked Seafood.”
“Deal, what time do you want him to pick you up?”
“Oh, I don’t know.”
“Zoey, pick a damn time or I am going to lose my mind!”
“Mmmhhh, 7:30?”
“I mumbled mmmm 7:30.”
“What?”
“Nothing, give me your address.”
She did, I wrote it down.
I walked over to Roger and smacked him up side the head with a rolled newspaper. “Do you understand how stupid you are? I’m not getting into it.”
She wants you there at 7:30. She wants to go to some stupidly named restaurant.
(I felt bad because I came up with the eatery myself, I MEAN I WAS THERE. It happened!)
I walked to his closet. I picked out a green button up shirt and a pair of khakis, “you can’t go wrong with this, shower and shave. You cell phone is and has never been broken!”
“You’re a miracle man.”
“No, currently I am a pissed off reporter that drove way the hell out her, got you a damn date that you’re probably going to mess up. Trim your nails, I don’t want you looking like the end days of Howard Hughes.”
He agreed. I said good bye. I picked up his cell phone as he stepped into the shower. I called his mother. I said, “What’s your son’s problem. Oh, it’s because he cell phone is broken.”
GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wrote down my number for him in case he becomes stumped during the date.
He called me thirty two times during the date.
Yes, order water.
Yes, tell her she looks great.
Yes, order the Salmon.
Yes, don’t talk with your mouth full.
No, do not flirt with the waitress.
And so on.
I drove out of No Name feeling like I had accomplished something and nothing all at once.
Why is the world chemically unbalanced?
-James Dust