Climax MI-
I picked up the news with the: Shockuation Room’s Antenna which is: hyper-sensitive, super advanced and finally ran by super computers bigger than those from WWII. Giant rooms are necessary to hold these behemoth machines, we had to start squatting on the office next to us that had been abandoned for a long time. We knew, because of our great knowledge in real estate, but also the law. Anyway we knew after a while it would become ours. We moved epically large computers in there. It took 23 of us, ropes, ramps, Arnold Schwarzenegger and so on. I was sitting back sipping on lemonade: shouting encouraging words, whist lounging in most comfortable chair in CLIMAX, maybe the world. And as they were moving the monstrosities, I broke in to song, almost on accident, but it made so much sense. “It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you/there’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. God Bless the Rains Down in Africa.” Fitting song to people moving 4,780 pounds super computer, which for whatever reason were shaped like parallelogram, see quite the fitting song as they get those damn super computers moved.
Whoa! Sorry! Side tracked.
The story was not about super computers with their parallelogram shapes.
It was about a man, a man that had been giving an ultimatum. The man’s name was Spruce, yes like the tree. Spruce Morning Due. I held back the laughter and kept my sunglasses on as I met him on his front porch. He had a wonderful house. Spruce told me he had so much money that it didn’t matter what he did anymore. That sounds depressing, but he was saying this cheerfully.
He had three children, two females one male: Moon Star Due, Love Me Due, William Passed Due, they all called him Bill. This was starting to become too much for me. The puns I could make, the laughter I could have all by myself was freaking me out. I said I forgot something in my car, excused myself, walking briskly to my car I opened the door got in, shut the door and blew up in a fit of laughter bordering on mania. I said to myself, “Whew, whew, I’m ok, ok, no,” FIT OF LAUGHTER!
Anyway, after a couple minutes I came back in with my favorite pen. “Ah, please forgive me, I am a little superstitious about having this pen,” I said. (It was a complete lie. I found this pen on the floor at the Jewel in Chicago. The Jewel is a grocery store!)
“Ok, let’s get down to business. You’re wife, Julia Ibid-Duh Due, has given you an ultimatum, is this correct?” I said to Spruce.
“Yes, I don’t understand what the issue is, she keeps telling me to grow up. I see no reason how I am not grown up I am 34 years old, and we have an amazing house, pool, tennis and basketball courts. What’s wrong here?”
I couldn’t quite agree or argue with him because well, his house wasn’t exactly like it appeared. It was a hologram of a beautiful house. Sometimes you don’t know when Science Fiction turns into real life.
It looked great, but strangely everything wasn’t truly real. I went to set on the couch and he quickly grabbed my arm and said, “Oh, no not there.”
“Why?” I asked.
Because you will end up on your ass.
OK. I said. Why?
Hologram. He said.
Slightly confused I followed the marriage that was held together by a piece of chicken wire to the back room of the house and it was nice. I could actually sit down there.
So, again, Mrs. Julia Ibid-Duh Due, what is the problem?
“Spruce won’t stop playing video games.”
I said, “Does that mean he plays like twenty four hours a day or like just likes to play video games?”
Julia Ibid-Duh Due: “Well, he goes to work, plays with the pets, spends time with the kids, keeps me satisfied, in, well, I don’t know what kind of a website this is so we will keep it at that.”
I thought to myself. What is wrong here. I couldn’t figure anything out.
I asked her again. “So, Ms.Ibid-Duh Due, what is the Ultimatum?”
“Either he stops playing video games or I am asking for a divorce. Me or the games!”
At this point Spruce leaned back in his office chair with a massive glass that I assumed from smelling across the room was Cherry 7-UP and vodka he took a long gulp of it and began, “So, you want me to give up video games? While you go buy new shoes and shirts and dresses and go out to eat with your friends just to keep up appearances? Also, why do you love Monster Energy drinks so much? You have a tattoo on your butt of the logo. You want me to grow up? That hardly seems to be balanced. If that is your ultimatum then I will take it.”
Go back to your old name, from this one, Julia I bid you a due: to Julia Poopydoopy.
Go for it.”
She hunkered in her chair. Realizing that video games are something that someone should never be forced to get rid of. They do not rot your mind. You do not miss important events because you need to do one more thing one you XBOX 360. You do not shoot people because you played a game in which you shoot people.
People that shoot people do so because…….. This post is long enough. I will get into Serial Killers in my next post. That is a promise. It won’t be funny. I apologize. This probably wasn’t funny. However, it is a warning. Girls, do not take away guys games. Don’t say it’s part of growing up.
Think of all the growing up you need to do before you point fingers, as I point a finger back at myself realizing and knowing all along that I have a great deal of growing up to do. I will continue to grow up until I die. Remember that. Because that’s the truth.
I heard her saying that he could play video games and she would play too as long as they didn’t get a divorce as I was walking out the door.
-James Dust