Patty Millington and Michelle Collingsworth drove three hours to visit their friend Brad Ivory that had recently been admitted to a nursing home on account of his deteriorating mental condition, which they had great reason to suspect it was Alzheimer’s Disease. Their visit to Pleasant Meadow Retirement Community didn’t turn out as they had envisioned.
“We had thought we would surprise our friend and try to smooth his move into a new place.” Patty said.
Michelle agreed, “I had thought he would be excited and ready to tell us what he had been doing here for the past two weeks. Instead of that he acted like he didn’t even know us. It was pretty rude if you ask me.” Michelle continued, “I asked the staff how his mood has been since arriving and they echoed a lot of the same behavior, I couldn’t believe it, I was ashamed to be his friend. I really thought of never coming to visit him again if he didn’t start appreciating the people trying to be there for him during this time.”
During the three hour visit Brad sat in a chair in front of the TV watching episode after episode of The Newlywed Game, exclaiming repeatedly how this was “the best damn new show to come out since the 60’s.”
The resident next to him, Jerry, couldn’t agree more. “I don’t understand why the picture quality isn’t as good as some channels, must be this damn box,” he said as he got up and assaulted the television with a combination of jabs and uppercuts like he had been a boxer before becoming completely senile.
Patty tried to engage Brad again, and it was more of the same.
Patty- Are you disappointed about the Tigers?
Brad- Disappointed? Didn’t you watch this season? Sparky Anderson took them to the promise land! The Padres had no chance! Almost a sweep. What a beautiful thing to see.
Patty shot a look at Michelle like what the hell is his problem? He isn’t acting right.
Michelle told me, “I know he is in here for a reason, but why can’t he sit and talk about some sentimental things from the past. I think he’s doing it on purpose!”
When Patty excused herself to use the restroom, Brad shouted with joy, “Patty!!! You’re here! This is such a surprise! Who have you brought with you?”
“That’s Michelle, Brad. She’s been here for quite a while with me. Don’t you remember?
“Of course I remember, we were just talking about how good this new show is! Seriously, the things they come out with these days. In 2000 we probably can change the channel with our minds!”
“Brad, it’s 2013.” Michelle said.
“No, that can’t be or I could change the channel with my mind. Sometimes I wonder why you aren’t in a retirement home somewhere with some of the shit you say.” Brad said laughing uncontrollably.
“Brad, you are in a retirement home. Don’t you remember that you started to put whole tuna fish sandwiches in the toaster. You had them completely made, mayonnaise, butter, cheese, tuna. Plop, right into the toaster and at the same time you would put your slippers in the microwave because your feet were cold, don’t you remember this?” Michelle said half sympathetic, half filled with annoyance.
Brad again laughed uncontrollably, “Have you ever had toasted shoes and warm tuna fish sandwiches on your feet? The tuna fish is so insulated, it provides a lot of padding, it’s sort of like, what’s that brand, Nike? Reebok? Converse? Chuck Taylor’s? Voit? Penny Hardaway’s? Fila? Damn I don’t remember, but damn it was good.:
Patty now chimed in, “Brad, you had to call either us or one of your family members to come fix your fuse box every third day from running the microwave and toaster at the same time, you really don’t remember?”
“I remember that was some of the comfiest shoes and best tasting sandwiches of my life. I’m so glad I’m here at this mansion, all these people waiting on me. Did you have anything to do with putting me here?”
“We had a small part in getting you-”
Brad cut her off.
“Jack Lemmon was one of the best catchers the Tigers have ever had don’t you think!?”
Michelle sighed, “He was in the Odd Couple, he never played for the Tigers.”
“You’re full of shit! He was on the World Series Championship team! He wasn’t an actor! What are you, some kind of an idiot? Chet Lemon was in the Odd Couple, this is ridiculous, look who can’t supposedly keep their shit together.” He laughed again hysterically.
Brad motioned to one of the staff and asked to have Michelle and Patty removed asking him to” send them back to the institution, I believe their Sunday release had expired.”
The staff, who was known as Seymour, said, “Brad, it’s Tuesday.”
“Don’t tell me what day it is! I’m 104 years old I know what day it is!”
“Brad, you’re 68 years old.”
“Seymour, have you seen this new game? It’s called the Newlywed Game? It’s ground breaking!”
At press release Brad was discovering Jell-O.
–James Dust–