Beat Your New Year’s Resolution

We’ve all been there.  It’s 12:01AM of the next annual cycle and you’re already sweating bullets because you made all of these grand resolutions and you have no idea how to overcome the odds.  History says that you will fail within the first two weeks and sure enough, you may have already quit.  Not this year though (even though you say that every year).  Destiny is on your side.  Follow these tips and guidelines to kick your New Year’s Resolution in the rear end and tell that guy who is always *&^$^#ing about other people in the gym, “Hey buttercup, you can’t stop destiny so gimme those dumbbells!!”

  1. Stop making New Year’s Resolutions

With no expectations there is no way to fail.

  1. For lose weight resolutions:

This is probably the most popular resolution since apparently everyone in America is fat or according to some radio commercials only bloated which causes you to be fat.  Everyone wants to lose weight and that’s fine.  The key is to gain a bunch of weight before the New Year.  You have plenty of time to pack on the pounds during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the Holiday parties in between.  You should be eating things such as Whoppers, meatball Hotpockets, and Jimmy Dean Pancake/Sausage Sticks (these are real) and  that will, not only, add on the pounds, but also make you feel like you deserve a medal because you were able to keep em down.  When the New Year “rolls” around and you finally start to move again, some of the weight will just come right off.   Don’t be intimated by those muscle heads at the gym too.  You know who I am talking about.  The ones that get all huffy because the gym fills up after the New Year and they can’t get to their special dumbbell or weight machine and then they act like the weight or machine is having some type of love affair.  Just tell that diva to step off or you will Mace him.  Nobody is going to believe that you could hurt some muscle bound freak so take the initiative and say you were defending your life or that they felt your pecks.

  1. For quit smoking or drinking resolutions:

Take on other addictive substances such as cocaine or heroin.  The goal here is replace one addictive habit with something more addictive.  That’s how you beat a habit!  Three steps backward and one forward.

  1. For financial resolutions:

Need to save more?  Have a spending problem?  Here is the solution to tackle that resolution.  Start investing in hard drugs.  There is a lot of money in major drugs and it’s a heck of a lot more reliable than the stock market because the fact of the matter is that people like to get high and they will keep on buying drugs.  Sure you might wind up dead or become some Cartel’s $%*#%, but life is about the thrills.  Additionally, this will help your quit smoking and drinking resolution.  Another option would be to invest in steroids to help you lose those pounds and put on some muscle so you can have a hissy fit contest with that muscle bound freak at the gym.  You could also give your money to trolls because people tend to avoid them and they hoard valuables under bridges.

  1. For get a new job resolutions:

There are jobs everywhere.  It’s just a matter of finding something you like and getting someone to pay you.  However, take some time off and go do some work as one of those guys that has to clean up road apples all day, a third world sweatshop worker, a Kardashian PR assistant, an understaffed daycare assistant, a slaughterhouse worker, any type of sewage treatment job, or a fluffer (although this may be pleasing for some women).  You will now enjoy your current job.

  1. For make new friends resolutions:

Accept the fact that most people don’t like you and then go from there.

  1. For have a baby resolutions:

If you need a resolution to have a baby, you probably shouldn’t be having children.  Seriously, don’t do it.

  1. For get more rest resolutions:

I hear you; we all need more sleep.  If you find yourself awake during the deep depths of the night it’s probably because of stress!  Less stress = more sleep.  So, in order to reduce stress you need to start eliminating the stressful items from your life.  First, if you have any, get rid of your kids.  How can anyone get any sleep when you have five children running around screaming their heads off?  Just drop them off at the local shelter or with an exceedingly distant relative.  Second, get rid of your spouse.  Nag Nag Nag = not sleeping.  Other ways to reduce stress include quitting your job, become homeless (because they seem to be sleeping all day), stopping any exercise (the more lethargic you are, the better), or excessive masturbation.  You could always attempt to read the original Frankenstein and you will be out by page six (I’m sure it was amazing for its time, but it is god awful for today’s standards and I still don’t understand how some people sympathize with the Monster who murders children).  Additionally, you could binge drink some soda or energy drinks at around 6pm and you should crash within an hour or two.  However, you will feel terrible when you wake up.

And there you go.  Follow these guidelines and you’re sure to beat the statistics and keep that resolution going strong!

Stay Shockuated Folks.

Humphrey L. Huckleberry

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