Hey there…

So, these aliens have been leaving me voicemails, and telegraphs and series of numbers they want me to decode, it’s been weird. All of them are practically the same, “Mr. Dust, we would love the chance for you to come aboard our craft and have dinner. This made me nervous. I didn’t know if I was dinner or if I wasn’t, so seriously what the heck dinner is! What if it’s like Sandgrevia Ectoplasm with Lime Jell-O? Now, this has gone on for a couple weeks and I’m not completely blowing them off, I don’t know how to respond, they never gave an address or anything.

Finally, they just show up. The windows don’t fill with white light and no one in the office is consumed by dread. They don’t warp through the building walls or anything like that, in fact, they take the elevator.

BING!

Little grey dudes. Four little grey dudes, about four and a half feet tall. They step out of the elevator all carrying signs that said ‘Mr. Dust’, like if they were going to pick me up from the airport.  They walked slowly, with swagger of course, even though their tiny legs were whirling. They whirled their little legs over to me and introduced themselves. “Hello, I’m Tranprick, I’m Traincock, I’m Drandong and I’m Spacepenis!” The last one was very excited to meet me. It was a bizarre thing, but they all had voices that I recognized. I asked them, “Why do you all sound so familiar?” Drandong responded by saying  “we picked some of your favorite people in the world to use as our voice to make you more comfortable. If you listen, I have the voice of Bill Murray, check it out, ‘Back off man I’m a scientist.'” Tranprick pipped up, “my voice Christen Bale, but only from the movie American Psycho.” Spacepenis said, “I have the voice of Family Guy’s Peter Griffin.” Traincock said, “and I’m the voice of Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

I paused for what seemed like an hour and said, “as long as there isn’t going to be any probing I think we’re going to have a pretty good time.”

I said, “well in the case of no probing let’s have some fun.”

We shot off into space. I don’t understand space travel.

Spacepenis looked at me coldly and sort of sad and said, “we know you don’t understand space travel. No human does. Look you’ve barely made it to the damn moon. The moon is only 238,857 miles. That’s really not a lot. Then when you got up there you drove around in a car. You could have tried to play some tennis or something cool. Don’t you do enough driving while you’re on Earth that you didn’t need to bring along a space car for the moon? Oh well, sorry, little rant. Just lean back and relax. Don’t worry about all the rules that go along with traveling through the vast vacuum that is space.”

So I leaned back and relaxed.

Ok seriously… Has life ever handed you lemons?

That’s really a screwed up thing to think about..

…. Life walks in….

Take this story for example.

The names have been changed (besides life) to protective the innocent

(Thundering Voice) “Oh, hello Justin Andrew Marshall, this is life… Here are some lemons.”

Justin- frozen, with hands extended. “Thanks life. I’ve said thanks life a lot of times before, but this one I’m serious. Normally, I’m sarcastic.”

Life- “I’m well aware of all the times that you’ve said you suck at life and told life to take a flying ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff at the moon. Don’t worry. I still like yeah………………………Whatcha going to do with those lemons? Make lemonade you unoriginal humanoid??!!”

Justin- (Obviously in deep thought) “Can I make lemonade, freeze it and have some type of lemon slush!?”

Life- “Obviously.”

Portrait of Coyote Rush by Harvin Bankdecker

As you may have noticed it isn’t winter currently. That means we are no longer living in Polar Vortexes and walking to our car isn’t like hard labor in Siberia. And as far as I know we didn’t go backwards in time into Autumn so that means it’s warm. Here are some ways to enjoy your summer as much as humanly possible.

1. Go out in the sun for extended periods of time and don’t use sunscreen. Sunscreen is just another way for Banana Boat to try and bleed us dry. How are you supposed to get that bronze body while wearing 40 spf sunscreen anyway? Do you think our ancestors had sunscreen? I DON’T THINK SO MISTER! And that redness on your skin that follows eight hours in the hot sun, that’s just your body’s way of letting you know you did a good job.

2. Are you allergic to bees? Yes? Good. The best way to battle your allergy to bees is to challenge them to kill you. That’s right, infuriate them to no end until you are swarmed by five or more bees, that intense shooting pain you’re feeling? Yes, that means their venom is now in your blood stream! Is your throat closing slowly? Don’t worry, just try and breathe harder and faster… After several times doing this you will know that bees don’t have a thing on you.

3. Do you like to go to the beach and have a few drinks? Grand, most people do, so that means you’re not a completely insane weirdo. First off, remember my first tip. Secondly, drink as much as you can and drive home drunk. This is one of the best ways you can challenge your senses, reaction time, vision and decision making. Those senses are impaired when you drink this perfectly healthy and legal poison. This high risk game is not only healthy, it’s fun! Now, you have a couple of options on how to drive drunk. The first is you can take the busiest route home you can, lots of stops and starts, cars weaving in and out of traffic. Fun. The second is to go a backway. This means, if it’s dark you will likely encounter two to three thousand deer. And if you don’t that means you will likely fall asleep at the wheel and crash into a tree. If that happens, it’s just another way to toughen up that summer body.

4. Have a barbeque! I have a lot of information on having a copious amount of fun during this activity. First, fill your bbq to the brim with charcoal. Secondly, use an entire bottle of lighter fluid on those charcoal bricks. Now, listen close because this is important, place your face as close as possible to where you are going to put the lighter or match. Did your eyebrows, eyelashes, hair or face immediately ignite? Yes?! PERFECT. This is a great way to force your eyebrows and lashes to grow back. If you think about it, we don’t challenge them enough. The smell of burning hair and flesh is one of the most pleasant known to man. Now place those burgers and brats on there. Make sure to take them off before they reach 80 degrees. Rare burgers and brats need to be cooked to 120-125. But, how are you supposed to challenge your insides to handle improperly cooked beef? I think I just showed you. If you spend two to three days with diarrhea and vomiting you did it right.

Thank you for reading and I’m wishing you the best summer you’ve had yet.

 Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.

-James Dust

In his song, “My My, Hey Hey” he emphatically exclaims that it is “better to burn out than to fade away.”

Now, these words can be taken in a variety of situations: life in general, being a rock star, and the one that I want to focus on is relationships between people. Not specifically on romantic relationships, even though that’s another fine example that would apply to everything I’m going to say.

In terms of realistic life I’m not old yet, but when you start hitting ages that you’ve been dreading since you were a teenager you can very easily trick yourself into believing that you’re older than your grandparents by the time you hit that magical 30. (It’s not magical)

The question I’m getting at is if would it be better to have a giant falling out, like an ungodly fight and a reason to stop being friends with the people that you’ve been closest to your entire life or is it better to hang on to that friendship by making calls to people that haven’t really made an effort to be there? Resulting to only feel empty after every time you are sweating out the work of trying to make someone be your friend, when in the past it didn’t matter how long you had seen the person it was just like you saw your friend a few days earlier.

It’s an excruciating thing for me. People that I have loved like family fading away into a different world. A world that somehow and for whatever reason doesn’t include an old comrade.

If it came down to the fight that separated the friends, there would be a reason, a finite point to reflect upon as to why the friendship went south, or north, west, east… away. Fading away leaves the friend that truly cares wondering and pondering about little interactions here and there. Did I say something or do something stupid enough to make my friend want to start playing different tunes? (I suppose I’d see myself on the dark side of the moon)

You can’t make people be your friends. Even if they were your friends for the majority of your life.

Now, is it better to burn out or to fade away?

—-James Dust—-

Stay Tuned

Putin may be busy with hostile take overs of chunks of land that belong to sovereign states, but that doesn’t stop him from bringing home 2014’s Sexiest Man Alive award. It doesn’t matter if he is sitting at his desk in the Kremlin with his finger over the big red trigger or if he is riding a horse topless: all the girls swoon. He might have a lot on his plate: complete take overs of the most lucrative companies in the Russian Federation and if there is a wavering of support for him by these Oligarchs he threatens to have them circumcised, remember these are full grown adults with billions of dollars, they have become quite attached to their own members.

One of the most famous government of business take over is Gazprom. Gazprom is the largest extractor of natural gas and one of the largest companies in the world. Putin felt it was being mismanaged and forced out the leaders of the companies. In place of the former leaders Putin placed some of his own cronies in charge of the company, meaning basically that Putin is in charge of the Gazprom. One of his cronies that he brought in to lead Gazprom was Dmitry Medvedev, who would eventually become President and Prime Minister of the Russian Federation.

The TV channels also fell under government control. There is no news unless Putin approves it.

Putin not officially, but for the informed or person that tries to follow these stories an NSB agent under Putin’s control poisoned a dissenter with radioactive polonium. His name was Alexander Litvinenko. Litvinenko was a former NSB agent, formerly known as the KGB. He wrote articles about the corruption of Putin and it didn’t take long for a NSB officer to find him in London, where he tried to escape Russia for political asylum in Great Britain. He died a slow, miserable and painful death.

In Litvinenko’s last statement he said about Putin:

“…this may be the time to say one or two things to the person responsible for my present condition. You may succeed in silencing me but that silence comes at a price. You have shown yourself to be as barbaric and ruthless as your most hostile critics have claimed. You have shown yourself to have no respect for life, liberty or any civilized value. You have shown yourself to be unworthy of your office, to be unworthy of the trust of civilized men and women. You may succeed in silencing one man but the howl of protest from around the world will reverberate, Mr Putin, in your ears for the rest of your life. May God forgive you for what you have done, not only to me but to beloved Russia and its people…. But God DAMN is he sexy.”

Speaking of which, he does look good fly-fishing. 

Putin accepted his award graciously in front of the Russian Federation General Assembly.

Putin: I had to kill a lot of people to get this award…. I mean, I’m so thankful for the world to vote me the Sexiest Person Alive. Unbelievable. I’m so jacked that I may go invade Finland.

Thank You And Have A Good Day.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

—————–

Stay Tuned

Ukraine whispered this into my type-y fingers this afternoon.

Ukraine:

Do we have to be in the Союз Советских Социалистических Республик?

Or

Do we have to be in the European Union?

Putin is right there are people that speak Russia in Ukraine so, sending in troops to the southern part of the country is totally cool… And there are ethnic Russians on the International Space Station, so Putin’s got a claim to like, the moon, right?

Wait? Did an iron curtain descend or is it descending now?

My uncle Bill bought a large box full of mysterious Chinese food for Christmas. It cost him 75 cents. All in Chinese and there is no American description, I’ve been harassing him for a long time to eat them. FINALLY, TONIGHT I SUCCEEDED. One of the cans he opened looked like peach shape and colored testicles. Another can that was opened looking like canned crude oil. And finally he tried AGAR AGAR which before being cooked like the netting for a basketball hoop….However. when boiled the netting turned into something resembling grits. He was not impressed, speaking to no one in particular said, “I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY WOULD DO WITH STUFF. After he took a few bites he opened a can of some typed of sauce that looked kike rotten cranberry sauce.

He has been drinking Imodium AD like it is his job for the last half hour.

Here are two cans. The blue one was the crude oil and the other was the one resembling peach shaped and colored testes.

Peach Testes- on the left and Crude Oil to the right.

It

Just

Is

Everywhere Nowhere Anywhere Walmart-

Oh, it’s there. It’s lurking. It has its big blue sign out, “HEY, CHECK IT OUT, CHEAP THINGS! FOOD? OH YES! JUST COME IN FOR A SECOND, THAT’S ALL!” Said Walmart into your left ear.

Now you’re in the parking lot.

You’re looking around, what’s that?

Why is that person driving backwards toward Walmart?!

Yes, that man does have an entire camouflage truck? Entire. Yes.

Did that woman just bend over and split her entire butt out of her pants? Yes.

Is he wearing a plum colored jumpsuit? Yes.

In the beginning, there were lots of good jazz. The truth is, however, most of the jazzes were bad ones, and a man had to do some hard searching to find the good jazzes. One man, named Mister Jazz, had a very hard time finding such jazzes.

(The following is a dramatization.)

He went to work one day….
Mister Jazz: *sigh* Just not enough good jazzes out there.
Associate: What’s wrong Mister Jazz?
Mister Jazz: Well, you see, I’m looking for some good jazzes.

And so went his silly little life. His mother-in-law would call him on the phone asking about the jazz. “How about the jazz?” she would ask him. “After all, your frigging name is Mister Jazz, and you haven’t found and good jazzes yet! What the crap is that?”

One day, in the suburbs, Mister Jazz met Kenny G.

Still, he had not found any good jazzes. His main problem was a large goiter that scared many children and women. As most people know, jazz players are always hanging around with little children and women, and so when they would get scared away, the jazz players would follow them.

So, another day, Mister Jazz got his goiter removed. Unfortunately, the surgery went wrong, and he died the next day.

Some time after that, a man named Perez found some good jazz, but he kept it to himself. This started the period commonly known as the “Jazz Hoarding” days. This period, from 1918 to sometime afterward, was a dark period for jazz. Unless, of course, you were a jazz hoarder.

A jazz hoarder (Fig. 1.1)

A jazz hoarder was the kind of person you would see in all sorts of places, especially thrift stores. They always used to hang out in bunches, with lots of hoochie mamas on their hips. They could ride a bicycle very well, and they never forgot how. Jazz hoarders, or “j-fools” as President Lyndon B. Johnson referred to them, died out after a lethal addition to sniffing athlete’s foot power swept through their ranks.

The next period in the history of jazz is the “Saxophone Monk” period. As the titles implies, the era was marked with many famous saxophone-playing monks. A follow up period, “Clarinet Priests,” and the ill-thought-out “Drum Set Druids” ruined the credibility of jazz among the clergy.