So, these aliens have been leaving me voicemails, and telegraphs and series of numbers they want me to decode, it’s been weird. All of them are practically the same, “Mr. Dust, we would love the chance for you to come aboard our craft and have dinner. This made me nervous. I didn’t know if I was dinner or if I wasn’t, so seriously what the heck dinner is! What if it’s like Sandgrevia Ectoplasm with Lime Jell-O? Now, this has gone on for a couple weeks and I’m not completely blowing them off, I don’t know how to respond, they never gave an address or anything.
Finally, they just show up. The windows don’t fill with white light and no one in the office is consumed by dread. They don’t warp through the building walls or anything like that, in fact, they take the elevator.
Little grey dudes. Four little grey dudes, about four and a half feet tall. They step out of the elevator all carrying signs that said ‘Mr. Dust’, like if they were going to pick me up from the airport. They walked slowly, with swagger of course, even though their tiny legs were whirling. They whirled their little legs over to me and introduced themselves. “Hello, I’m Tranprick, I’m Traincock, I’m Drandong and I’m Spacepenis!” The last one was very excited to meet me. It was a bizarre thing, but they all had voices that I recognized. I asked them, “Why do you all sound so familiar?” Drandong responded by saying “we picked some of your favorite people in the world to use as our voice to make you more comfortable. If you listen, I have the voice of Bill Murray, check it out, ‘Back off man I’m a scientist.'” Tranprick pipped up, “my voice Christen Bale, but only from the movie American Psycho.” Spacepenis said, “I have the voice of Family Guy’s Peter Griffin.” Traincock said, “and I’m the voice of Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000.”
I paused for what seemed like an hour and said, “as long as there isn’t going to be any probing I think we’re going to have a pretty good time.”
I said, “well in the case of no probing let’s have some fun.”
We shot off into space. I don’t understand space travel.
Spacepenis looked at me coldly and sort of sad and said, “we know you don’t understand space travel. No human does. Look you’ve barely made it to the damn moon. The moon is only 238,857 miles. That’s really not a lot. Then when you got up there you drove around in a car. You could have tried to play some tennis or something cool. Don’t you do enough driving while you’re on Earth that you didn’t need to bring along a space car for the moon? Oh well, sorry, little rant. Just lean back and relax. Don’t worry about all the rules that go along with traveling through the vast vacuum that is space.”
So I leaned back and relaxed.