The Shockuation Room

Morgan Freeman has had a part in so many movies that I’m almost confused to put up a number that could be completely accurate: so instead I will go by IMDB’s current number of films that he has been an actor in, which is 101. That number of films spans from uncredited movies in the 1960’s and continues into movies that are in post-production not planned to come out until next year or further.

Freeman has regularly been a supporting actor and a narrator, he doesn’t play many roles in which he has a joking demeanor, most of his characters are rather serious. This calls for Freeman to use his ability of calm but authoritative advice or lectures on life lessons. While narrating, Freeman doesn’t need to worry about his acting because he is speaking lines to fit the scenes, however when he is in front of the camera he must fit the part.

In ‘Olympus Has Fallen’, Freeman is thrust into the role of acting President of The United States after terrorists have captured the President. Again, he is president during a crisis, think ‘Deep Impact’. As President under great stress during the terrorist attacks he must use his expertise in acting. Like I said earlier, he has been perfecting his craft since the 60’s being an uncredited stand in to being the star of blockbusters.

I interviewed Morgan on how hard he is still working on different aspects of his acting. I asked him what he thinks he has perfected and what he still thinks is the biggest area in which he can improve.

J.D.: What area of your acting do you believe you have perfected and what do you think is the biggest area in which you could improve on?

M.F.: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to sit down with you and be a part of the Shockuation Room. I don’t believe that I have perfected anything because I think there is always room to improve in any part of life including different areas of acting. However, if I were forced to pick one thing that I think is my strength I would pick my narration skills. Picking my weakness I would choose my inability to know if I look concerned enough, overly concerned or just out and out ridiculous.

J.D.: That really surprises me because you have had so many roles that you’ve been under duress. I have always thought you played the part as great as anyone!

M.F.: I’ve heard that a lot in my life and I thank you for your boost of confidence in the area I feel the least control and weakness in my acting. Let me show you what I’m talking about on really having to work to look concerned.

First I will show you a few faces that I think I nailed the look. How’s this one?

J.D.: That’s a great one!
M.F.: Thank you! I will try again. You don’t mind if I use some of my props I brought do you?
J.D.: No problem.
M.F.: Thanks. Let me just grab my coat and hat! Here!

J.D.: I don’t know how you can think you don’t have this just nailed!
M.F.: Let me try another one.

J.D.: Whew, that might be a little off.
M.F.: See what I mean? Alright, don’t say anything just let me do a few more, thank you for letting me change and stuff.
J.D.: No problem!
M.F.: I said don’t talk bitch!
J.D.:———————

M.F.: Check this one!!

M.F.: Another!

M.F.: AGAIN!

M.F.: DON’T GIVE ME THAT FACE!!! I was just trying something a little different. How’s THIS!?

J.D.: Ummm… No.
M.F.: (slumping a little) See? I’m ashamed.
J.D.: Try again… Please.
M.F.: Oh, ok!

J.D.: See, you can do it. One more to go out on?
M.F.: Yes!

J.D.: Let’s try again.
M.F.: 🙁

J.D.: You serious?
M.F.: Ok, this is it, last one.

M.F.: Excuse me I need to use your bathroom, you may want to clean this chair.
J.D.: Oh come on MORGAN!

At press release Freeman had escaped through the bathroom window and James Dust was calling Serve Pro.

Washington-

The gun debate has been raging for months or even years, but today at the heart of the gun debate today were Ted Cruz and Dianne Feinstein. After being asked a two and a half minute question by Senator Cruz- R Texas, Feinstein D- California, responded by saying that she was going to make a “couple of points.”

She started out by saying that she was not a six grader, which to anyone that has the great gift of sight is obvious, but don’t listen to my patter. Moving on!

Dianne decided she would maturely list all the reasons why she wasn’t a six grader in a six grade fashion by telling everyone there all the things that she had accomplished. Feinstein said “I’ve been on this committee for twenty years, I was a mayor for nine years. Then she went into a babbling of words to which she was admitting to being involved or at a large number of murders and crime scenes. “I’ve walked in and seen people shot, I’ve looked at bodies that have been shot with these weapons, I’ve seen bullets that implode.” Finally, she admitted she wasn’t a lawyer and in fact did have a good education and was sorry she argued, but she was just made fun of by her family for enjoying coloring books.

The senator from Texas agreed that he, himself still enjoys coloring books, but the coloring books in Texas are a lot bigger than her’s in California, this lead to another argument.

She began, “I’m not an eighth grader, I know the size and population of Texas and California, I’ve lived in California, I’ve seen the grass and the sky, I passed Geography with an A-, it wasn’t my best work because I couldn’t remember that the capitol of Uzbekistan was Tashkent. That was my specific country Mr. Senator and I couldn’t remember!” She added “I come from a different place than you do,” at this everyone in the room gasped waiting for her to tell them that she was an alien, but instead said, “I’ve seen your damn coloring books and I respect them, just because you have a hundred thousand square miles more than my state doesn’t mean it has shit on our coloring books, we have the most people! We have to draw shapes and patterns to encourage our children to use their imagination, sure, a couple tigers get colored purpled here and there, but come on, I know my coloring books! I’m not in third grade!”

Some dude from Vermont said something about books and the topic switched from guns to pornography and it really made no sense.

Suddenly, a bell rang, she raised her hand and asked to be excused. Cruz nodded politely and the senator from California walked to the cubbey hole by the door, picked up her backpack and noticed there was a letter for her mother. Her head then rotated 180 degrees toward the senator from Texas in which she displayed a ghastly dirty look and left the room slamming the door on the way out.

“Well, that was weird,” Cruz then said, “She didn’t finish her vocabulary for the week, I had to let her mother know that. I know that Betty Goldman has been dead for years, but I just wanted to get under Dianne’s skin a little.”

The people in the room looked at each other then looked at the clock, Cruz’s face reddened and he said that would be all for the day. A collective sigh of relief was let out as they all gathered single file to walk to the bus stop.

Before all of them left the room he called them back in….

LOOK, Mr. Lee has became this gun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s been over two months since anyone has contributed anything to this marvelous news site, but I am changing that as I type and you read.

First off, hi.

Second off, sorry for going so long without making your day brighter and making you a more informed individual. Don’t listen to the regular news, it’s depressing and stupid. This is fun, exciting and pertinent.

Now, back to the topic.

I’m not trying to be rude or say I have anything wrong with overweight people, I have no problem with them at all, my family isn’t running decathlons so I have NNNOOOO right to take liberties. However, today I went to Old Country Buffet and was appalled by several woman that were just failing to understand the concept of tight pants with things written on their butts.

Let me take you on a visual tour of what guys think when women, college students, ect. are wearing them appropriately…..

Now, here are guys when they know that girls just should not being wearing yoga pants that turn into yoga PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

First a picture to demonstrate how guys eyes burn and it can’t be helped. Like I said, I have no beef with larger girls as long as the think about what they are wearing, it would be like if I wore a shirt that I cut off above the belly button and just owned it… People would noooooooooootttttttttttt be impressed and that’s all I am saying.

DO YOU NOW UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOGA PANTS AND YOGA PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSS?

I hope so…

Coyote Rush

Wherever-

A man was asked by another man if he could take him to the E.R. because he has a boil the size of a fist on his side/back. Other man says, “Ok, yeah that thing looks pretty much awful.”

So, instead of going to the E.R. in town he, being the man with a ridiculously large boil, wants to go to an E.R. 45 minutes away. Driving man gets 10 dollars from him for gas. Driving man appreciates this. The drive was of no consequence and was quite boring besides the incessant babbling and complaining of the boil man and the pain of the boil.

Driving man pulls up to the E.R. drops him off, boil man says, “it’s super packed.” Driving man says, “You better get in line then.” Driving man then says, “If it’s that packed I’m going to McDonald’s, getting a small coffee and taking full advantage of their free WI-FI. Good luck!”

The time of this drop off was roughly 1:54 P.M.

Boil man takes forever getting seen.

Driving man plays Angry Birds and makes really stupid posts on Facebook.

Four hours go by…

Driving man starting to be like, “Uh, I’ve been in McDonald’s for a long time.”

Driving man texts boil man and boil man has to have minor surgery. Driving man was like, “Uh, how long is that going to take?”

Boil man- Texts indecipherable.

Driving man- GREAT WEEKEND

Boil man- “If I give you some money will you go get me some food?”

Driving man- “I am not walking through the hospital with no idea where you are to get money from you and then go get food, then walk through the hospital with McDonald’s.”

Boil man- “I will come outside.”

Driving man- “Dude, they are about to do minor surgery on you and you’re just going to come prancing out in a half blizzard? Have they already gave you a shot, because you seem half retarded????”

Boil man- “Yeah, they gave me the maximum dose of Dilaudid.”

Driving man- “Dude, that’s like Morphine’s kid.”

Boil man- “What?”

Driving man- “So, is this a serious thing, you’re going to walk out of the hospital and hand me money, then come back out again and get the food? Like this is seriously what you’re proposing?”

Boil man- “What, I mean, yeah.”

Driving man- “Why don’t you get the dang boil drained and then we can think about food.”

Boil man- “But, I’m so hungry.”

Driving man- “I also said I wanted to be back home at four-ish. And it’s 5:30!”

Boil man- “………………..”

Driving man- In head… “WTF.”

Anyway, the man babbled the whole way home because he was wasted off that shot.

Driving man drove through half blizzard without incident.

Driving man was not pleased when home.

Boil man was very pleased even if he couldn’t walk up his stairs.

At press time someone was writing this story.

-James Dust

Relationships are like a helpless flower you saw at the greenhouse and had to have it, just a flower right? You can look at it for a while and say, “That’s a nice flower, I am glad I picked it.”

Or, put it by the window and say, “God that flower looks great right there, and do you feel how smooth the petals are?”

And that’s fine and great, parts of plants or relationships can be looked at, admired and seen what is great about them, but, you need to water these plants, OR put some real work into relationships you care about, you can just say, I’m ok, you’re ok to a plant. They don’t get why they are bone dry.

It’s weird, but it’s what happens to humans too. Communication is sort of like the water. The flower is the relationship.

At first you just stare at it thinking, this is a really good thing. Then you start to understand that the person has some things that bother his/her from the past and needs to talk to you about them for there to be true trust in the relationship.’

Hollywood is not real life or I would be able to do a lot of cool things that I can’t do.

Once you realize the person’s (plant’s) shortcomings or parts of their lives that make them anxious, nervous or any other word to define uncomfortable. You have to be there and help them through it, not look at them like “Oh, I wonder what is going to happen here?”

Love is a verb
Love is a noun
Love is abstract
Love is sacrifice
Love is fragile
To be loved is what every single person wants to feel
Love is love

And Love is all you need according to a pal of mine John Lennon

Coyote Rush

Yo!

Yup, I said it just like that. The antenna is working overtime, but only on the bizarre stuff. I guess it is because I have it sat at weird not making sense side, instead of seriously middle east scary stuff. I might go on a rant about that in a couple of days. IT’S GOING TO BE SO CONFUSING SO BE PREPARED.

OH SWEET BABY LAMB OF THE HOLY: FOLLOW ME ON MY MY QUEST TO HELP THIS MAN THAT ACTUALLY CALLED US IN NEED OF ADVICE OR TO TALK. I said I would be gone for a week. Man would I have a little fun, our new credit card fraud was working seamlessly.

He had started writing a story by the time I got there, so it was nice to not have to write a whole story. Here is what he had came up with about confusion. ({[Have you noticed a lot of these stories revolve around girls lately?)}]

Moving on:

Now it’s time to pay attention to John Woodlog’s word crafting in a very confusing time in his life.
Here it is…..

This is mainly about girls, let me warn you:

It gets confusing when in my small neck of the woods, the county seat, a city, possibly 4,000 people live there: that has the only Walmart within, ohhhhh, give or take 50 miles… That the most attractive girls I see in my daily routine are those girls that work there: with their totally wasted lives, more than likely having kids while their own teeth rot. ARE THE PEOPLE SHOPPING OR WORKING THERE!

I went into a Walmart one time, checked out at a line and said, ummm would you like to go get some food sometime. She said, actually I would, but my boyfriend wouldn’t like it too much. I said, that’s a pretty clever way to put me down. I’m not even hurt, but, slightly embarrassed by the homeless man that smells like skank piss and is even giving me a dirty look about it, however.

The days seem like years, trees fall from the sky and cats and dogs living together!

Yup, it’s this serious.

(The confused man continued, he was writing, while talking and I was writing frantically as the bald headed short stocky dude with skinny legs ranted and raved about girls. I did my best!)

Yeah, I’m still talking, what does it matter. I can’t believe that they have a people of Walmart website and that’s where I find the best looking females. Confusing. One girl, who was probably four or so years behind me in years: works in the produce/salads/organic. The scoffing in any other Walmart would have been tremendous for not going to WHOLE FOODS!

I digress. *Les Sigh*

Back to the girl in produce. Wow. Wow! Without a doubt in the world the hottest girl I have seen in months, tucked away in grassland! Oh, lord, I just circle my cart around, pick up baby spinach, put it back, keep looking at her, grab organic romaine, walk five feet, put it down, pick up an apple, smell it, set it down, walk eight feet all the while hoping she would give me eye contact, but she doesn’t. So I continue to watch her from behind, sweet mother of Moses, this not an easy task.

It’s daunting. It’s confusing. it’s testing my manhood it’s testing my testes, oh sweet Lord of Gametes why, is that girl in grassland?!

In a few weeks I may work up the courage to say, “Lettuce huh? That’s like grass, for humans, pretty good stuff.” She will look at me and glance, immediately spacing herself away from me. I will walk away ashamed, but proud dammit all!

He then poured milk into his coffee maker, put cinnamon in it, dropped three whole eggs and filled the rest with the coffee grounds and water.

He swirled around and said “holy fuck, I’m confused!”
————————

Whew. Dagger. That was a tough one.

Not entirely sure where I found this in the many folders we had before the Shockuation News and antenna were created. I haphazardly pulled one out labelled 12-30-11.

I wasn’t even sure how in got into the folder because all the writing was done by me.

I think he wanted his suicide note to be sort of rhyme themed, but then it sort of turned into his last couple of days on Earth.

But we will talk after we read this poemy suicide letter, I haven’t read any beyond the first six lines.

Lets prepare:

Listen: Excuse some of the coarse language, I didn’t write it did I???
——————————————————–

I would love to see you one last time
My only reason would be to see you cry
You would tell me I did for one day
So just go fuck off and die

And then I would
I would just go fucking die
Somewhere in either a secluded park
Or in the middle of the road
On Christmas eve

So the only people to save me would be wasted Santa Clauses
It would be ok, I would tell them I’m not very good at grammar so you can go away
He would belch and puke and I would think this dying is harder than I thought
I would pass out in the snow, I would wake the next day with a cop in my face

He would ask what I’m doing
I would tell him this is where I live
All my elves are out doing their jobs
Forgive my appearance I haven’t been inside
Would you like to come in and have some coffee

The police officer looked behind me and there was only snow
He was about to write a ticket, looked at me again and let me go

I would have to work on this dying stuff a little harder.
It was now Christmas, I didn’t care about Jesus or my family

Finally, I saw on the street that had that look in his eye like yup, I can get you high. I approached him and I asked if he had any drugs?
He did, so I smartly went along with him hoping to be stabbed to death or nearly beaten to death and left in the zero degrees temperature to become like all those people you see in the movies with icicles hanging from their noises.

We turned the corner and walked into I guess you could call a flat and he had laid the drugs out for like a buffet. I knew what they all were and the combination and the problems with having an easy death. I knew that I needed to not overdose by taking too many of one pill because that will just leave me sick and puking. I needed to take a few downers of different families. I needed drugs that would slow my central nervous system and I would fall asleep. I paid for what I needed asked if I could lay there until I got high and he said yes. I felt the drugs kicking, I said good bye and went to the place last night.

There were still Santa Clauses running around drunk on whiskey and taking turns laughing between pukes. I was getting very tired and I liked that.

The next thing I remember is showing up to a funeral, there were so many people there. It was me, I walked to the casket and said to myself, “GOD YOU LOOK DEAD!”

I spied on everyone, saw who was there. I was satisfied you were there and the smallest tear was enough, even if it was with your douchey new boyfriend.

So satisfied I jolted up in my coffin and played the keyboard as hard as I could. I leaped and screamed out I LOVE EMBALMING FLUID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
————————————–

This man has never been heard from again. This is where being an investigatory journalist has it’s pros and cons. Pros, finding a cool story. Cons- not really caring today.

I made one phone call that was to Stone And Family Funeral Chapel. I asked if they remembered anyone jumping out of their coffin and playing a keyboard super hard.

They said yes they did.

Could I have his name and the number to his parents’ house?

They kindly obliged.

I made another call. Hello, Mrs. Lampost, some how I found a story in my office of his amazing story. Do you know where he is?

Yes, I do. He is the CEO of Stain Remove LLC.

So, did he ever explain to you why he did this and how he managed to live through all of that. I never did get quite to the point of that with him. Maybe you want to call over there and ask him yourself.

Thank you very much for your time.

I called and asked for Mr. Lampost.

She said, “Who is this and what does this concern?”

-I’m Coyote Rush, put me through

– OH, OK SORRY

-Don’t you worry your pretty little head.

(Sometimes I like to pretend on I’m a western movie.)

– Hello?

– Hello Mr. Lampost!
– Who is this, well it’s Coyote Rush from the Shockuation Room.
– Ah, yes, I should have known you would call at some point.
– So could you tell me a little more about the odd suicide note and the odd experience of waking up in coffin only to rock the keyboard and scream I love embalming fluid only to have half the crowd shocked into paralysis and the other half running for the nearest exit I heard that someone ran right through a pane glass window.

-The keyboard thing is something I’ve always wanted to do. The botched suicide was just that, my body just go tired and didn’t die. Then the embalming fluid made me feel more alive than I had been.

– I see, what about that letter.

– Like you probably noticed I wanted it to be a poem all rhymey and cutesy, but then I could do it. And after the first few lines in which I did get to see her and she told me to fuck off and die, I decided that’s the best thing I could do, I have nothing going for me. I have neighbors that have rebel flags hanging outside their windows. It was around that point I made up my mind and there was no turning back.

– Are you glad to be around?

– Yeah, I made $150,000 a year now.

– Lucky for you! We obviously have enough to make a few phone calls! YES SIR! Goodbye, Mr. Lampost

I’m not the only one to hear this in their life. I know it for a fact. I’ve been the person.

There are many ways you can get suckered in. It’s always sooooo innocent.
So, innocent.

You get a call or text, “What are you doing?”

“Not much thinking of going wherever to do whatever?”

“Really!! I was just thinking of going there, do you think I could ride with you man?”

Now this is where many thoughts come into you hard.

Ugh, do I really want to make fake conversation for like an hour?

The dude gets into your car already smoking a cigarette, takes two hits, “Oh, is it cool if I smoke in your car”

Umm,I guess.

There is a cd that is in your car that you want to listen to, his phone rings, plugging his ears, you’re like, well I guess, I will just turn off my radio. Then he gets off the phone he just starts talking to you about nothing. This mean I have to listen to this and there is no chance I can’t do this without being extremely rude, so you forget and start nodding and wondering what this mean. And then start going “really? oh? “that’s weird, that’s cool dude.”

You get to where you are going and then he starts asking you if you can take him to a billion places then you just go “oh I’ve go to go make beans”

Your brain will if you brain will goo.

IT may

-James Dust

I talked to a man by the name of Liam Frank. He lives in Buffalo NY. He is 35 years old and has had enough ex-gfs that I will not and do not suggest you question what he says about what exes are really good at, well, female exes.

It’s really only a list… But, it’s worth reading it.

1. They are really good at breaking up with you in the most confusing manner.

2. They are really good at hanging around just after breaking up. Confused at if they should break up with you or if they should choose the bf in the wings. After they mess with your head and heart for a while they go for the boy in the wings because it’s NOT FAIR for him. Because it’s totally fair for you. Moving on.

3. Reminding you that they are alive. Just as you are putting them out of your head because you’ve been in a state of depression, blaming yourself for what went wrong or whatever the hell happened. Trying to figure out the smallest most mundane detail or maybe you don’t actually care, which is a possibility: THEY JUST POP UP. In some way or another. HEY LIAM!

4. They are SO GOOD at not talking to you in any possible way. And they’re used to be a lot less ways of talking to each other. Calling someone with a phone card, letting it go to voicemail because you are like what the hell number is this?! And then they call.

“Hey, I was just calling to talk for a bit, you’re probably busy, but I am calling to say I really miss us and I love you, I really do.”

So let’s use a little example: Your brain is walking down the street to class and all of a sudden it trips and spills all of the books out of the bag. No one tries to help you they just step over you laughing: “What an idiot, stop paying attention to your phone!”

Here is what is funny. People now can actually be blamed for that. The time Liam is relaying to me is a time I was in, when the coolest damn thing you could on your phone was play SNAKE!

So you call back that phone card number… it’s like “WHOA WTF do you think you’reeeeeeeeee doing this is a calling card.” So, you go on thinking about this and talking to your friends about it who at this point are so feed up with your non-stop blabbering over this girl, by which you are destroying opportunities to meet new girls because all you are talking about is your ex-gf. Oh and don’t worry, these girls are actually into you until you bring up the NAME of your ex!

5. Calling you for advice on their current boyfriend. Yes, I know… REALLY?! But, it happens.

6. Keeping tags on you without you having a clue. It turns into 1984, BIG BROTHER. And if you’re a girl and don’t know what 1984 is and don’t play tennis, than the author of this article doesn’t probably want to date you.

7. If you doooooo decide you want to try to contact them on your own… GOOD LUCK! They won’t respond to texts, they won’t respond to calls, they won’t respond to Facebook messages and if you’re lucky enough to get the latter, a return Facebook message, they will leave out any question you REALLY wanted to know.

I have a feeling this conversation could go on and on.

However, Liam and I are going to go sit and be wallflowers where hot chicks hang out and no one will approach us.

– James Dust

Anywhere-

A cute girl and a reasonably amazingly good looking guy start talking. They enjoy talking. They decide to hang out. Then do things as in: going out to eat, going to the movies, taking walks together, and stay up lateS.

They soon made it Facebook official, which everyone in the world means that it’s like chiseling it into a rock, somewhat like the Flintstones. Yeah, it’s that official.

Far be it for the guy to know that the girl had been texting her head off with a random dude. She was strangely waiting for the relationship to fall apart.

His name was Normal Richards and her name was Julia Martinez.

They were relatively close in age. They liked some of the same things, but both were very stubborn, which made it difficult and made it seem when Normal tried to get Julia to watch something he liked or listened to some music he like that she had already made up her mind that this isn’t for her.

Normal put up with constant hours of country music. And for Normal this was unNormal.

Listen:

After a bit things got weird. Normal started to notice Julia drifting away. Her getting mad at bizarre things. Her ignoring compliments bestowed upon her by Normal. Her all around treating Normal like a very dirty diaper that smelled full of Indian food mixed with poop and topped of with that horrific smell of whatever your upstairs neighbors just made for dinner.

Normal realized this. It had happened before. Pulling away and such, he let it happen. It didn’t work out, he tried other things, like buying her mood rings. He bought her a cow so she didn’t have to buy milk. He thought it was a good idea. She didn’t think so. He would hug her, she would think it was weird.

So, he backed off completely. He resigned to his resign chair and played the Carpenters, “best of” no less.

Yeah, they broke up. Within 48 hours she had a new boyfriend, Normal was shocked. Julia was pumped. STRAIGHT TO FACEBOOK OFFICIAL STATUS!

Normal had a trick up his sleeve as Julia had a guy waiting in he wings for the break up, Normal had a robot. It was a sweet robot. It talked in a robot voice.

He constantly told it to call Julia and tell her to fuck off and he would in a very robotic way. Normal LOVED IT!

And that’s why when you start a relationship and you’re a dude, have to have a robot back up.

And we all know girls have guys waiting in the wings for as soon as they break up they have a rebound…”THAT THEY LOVE EVEN MORE, HE’S JUST SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUN.”

Not as much fun as Normal’s robot! I trust normal on that one! “BAM” was the last thing Normal said to me. The robot repeated… “BAM, exclamation point.”

JAMES DUST