The Shockuation Room

This is where Ethiopia is… It’s called the horn of Africa.

Or it looks like this

Interesting facts about Ethiopia:

1. It is the second most populous nation in Africa, with an estimated over 85 million humans living there.
2. Its Capital, Addis Ababa is also the Capitol and a state. And regarded around Africa as “the political Capital of Africa.”
3. Ethiopia is the world’s most populous landlocked country in the world.
4. Ethiopia has over 80 languages.
5. The general area of Ethiopia, is widely believed to be the site of the emergence of early Homo sapiens, 400,000 years ago.

This is what the flag of Ethiopia looks like:

On my tour I saw some splendid sights. This is a picture of Bete Giyorgis Lalibela:

These are the people that showed me all the wonderful sights of Ethiopia, they were very nice.:

Here is another great place my well armed friends took me to. It is called the Blue Nile Falls. A child was playing a noise maker that made my ears literally bleed, blood, out of my ear holes. I still enjoyed the waterfall as well as how much my company was laughing at my mustache and my bleeding ears! HI! OH!

This is what Ethiopia’s currency looks like, it’s called The Ethiopian Birr:

and

There was a little weirdness that comes along with these next few photos. One of my company: the one that had the most extreme looking gun, at lunch, took out a bag of white powder and smeared it across his gums. He then looked at me and dumped a hefty portion of the bag into my Pepsi. I thought this was common cultural behavior, so I said thank you. He said something that I didn’t understand, the rest all laughed at me. I laughed to. I ate my Sparrow with whatever sauce and downed my Pepsi. About a half hour later, the African Pepsi’s caffeine kicked in, big time. I couldn’t stop talking. I was frantically motioning at people and things, I caused a traffic accident. After several hours I realized that the reason I had become so hyper was not because of the African Pepsi, it was because I am quite certain that it was cocaine. Sorry mom, sorry Coyote Rush, sorry James Dust, sorry robots, sorry Brenda Johnson, sorry Henry Van Loon. Even though I remember some long nights with you guys in which non of us could stop talking, it was late, it was hazy, so who knows.

The pictures however are of the amazing, stunning, wondrous, nearly only can be explained as you are hallucinating while viewing it: Addis Ababa Exhibition Center.

My company of heavily armed, uniformed individuals told me in broken English that I should go back to my hotel and relax for a couple days. The trip across Ethiopia was going to be very hard and they would need more white powder if they were to be my security into Somalia.

That makes me wonder, how are we paying for this trip? This credit card looks fake and we have no money? Is there something I should know Coyote?

-Oliver Pepper

This is Oliver Pepper! I’m out of jail. Steven Steve Stephens married the beautiful deputy that he was in love with and was finally able to focus on my case.

I really didn’t have a case. My car, ted, that looks like this as you may have forgot, was normal on the outside, but under the bonnet or hood it had turned into a magical land of fantasy and fiction. Let me remind you of what happened.

“It looked as if I had opened the hood to find a mythical city. There was a waterfall where the battery belonged, Unicorns frolicked to and fro, there was a wizard sitting on a lily pad and of course there were Shruberbubery Trees. I blinked my eyes continuously, but nothing changed! I shut the hood repeatedly and still nothing changed. Ted, what is going on!??! Of course there was no response. I felt a rush of panic coming over me. I tried to keep my composure, but it was difficult as I was close to JFK, but now had a vehicle that had a magical land where the engine was supposed to be!”

I was arrested for not having papers to harness a level four village powering my Fiat.

I have been in this jail since August. It hasn’t been all bad, I meant a nice man by the name of Biff, another by the name of Butch. They were ok with me.

Anyway, Steven Steve Stephens, my attorney, had found a loop hole in the system for when your whole engine and parts that power your car turn into a magical land. It is a law in New York City, that if you are driving a Fiat on the way to Somalia and your working parts that power the car turn into a magical land, you are to be escorted by the National Guard to get on the plane to Somalia, because no one wants to go Somalia. So, forgive the Fiat and the fantasy under the hood.

So, yeah, I spent a lot of time in the clink. I think some people sort of forgot about me, it’s ok, it was the first time that I had been out of town.

So, I got to JFK. I was soon saddened by a misunderstanding that Ethiopian Airlines normally were scheduled to fly out of Washington D.C. Sadly, I have been and am in NYC. But, Steven Steve Stephens made some calls after his lust for the deputy was calmed he was truly a good asset.

Ethiopian Airlines was going to make a pit stop at JFK to fly me over to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. I would stay there for a few days and then be welcomed by hoards of excited people to Somalia!

I was excited to be out of jail and on my way!

There were eleven passengers on the flight, there were tourists. The had Hawaiian shirts on and maps flapping out of every suitcase, bag and pocket. They seemed to all know each other quite well. They didn’t really include me in the conversation. But, I was happy because they were excited and happy and drinking a lot of cocktails. The plane would have ran out of booze if the passengers themselves hadn’t have brought a half gallon of vodka a piece.

Their shirts looked like this:

Their booze they brought looked like this:

I didn’t drink cocktails I needed to stay sharp. I was busy eating antacids, aspirin, apples and apricots, washing it down with apple cider.

The plane looked like this

The trip looked like this!

We flew and flew. Hours went by, we were over the ocean for quite a while. It is 6932 miles from NYC to Addis Ababa, the Capitol of Ethiopia!

My co-passengers got pretty rowdy, telling crude jokes and farting. They didn’t talk to me. They made many comments about my mustache and my glasses. I didn’t mind, I find pride in both. But, if they would have talked about my FIAT! Look out!

I finally fell asleep, the flight lasted 14 and a half hours.

We touched down. I was in Africa. This was the view from my Hotel!

It’s been a long day, I will continue correspondence with you as soon as I am able.

Yours In Africa,

Oliver Pepper

Shelbyville, Indiana-

A local man named George A. Luffalone is so cranky.

I went to Shelbyville to see how serious this case of crankiness is.

Let me tell you, it’s pretty serious. And he’s serious and dang he is not fun to be around.

Luffalone, 29, single and cranky as hell has not had a good week. He works two minimum wage jobs and surprisingly hates them both. I asked Luffalone if he has any friends. He said, “Well, kinda, but at the moment no one responds to my texts or phone calls. I also keep posting statuses like ‘FML!’ And ‘why me?! ‘” No one even likes or comments.

He continued, “It’s frustrating, I think it’s a vicious cycle,” he said as snotty as possible while lurching closer to my face. After leering at me, looking dangerous and being a mere four to five inches from my face, for a few seconds, he told me that he also hated my: hair, eyes, clothes, body spray, shoes, car, cell phone, and pen and paper. I apologized and had him give me the names, numbers and addresses of his few friends, that talk to him when he isn’t actually in a funk, he told me to “do whatever you want with them, I don’t even care anymore, just do whatever, come back and talk to me later if you want, but I don’t really care at all. I’m serious. Seriously, just do whatever, I understand if you don’t come back, it’s because I’m CRANKY, whatever the hell that means.”

“Fair enough” I said.

After the conversation with Mr. Luffalone, I checked in on the first friend on the list. The first friend was a man by the name of Darren Kiddmestone. I asked him how long had his friend George been cranky this time. He told me that he is “normally pretty fun to be around, but then out of nowhere he just starts sending people texts about how much he hates his jobs then somehow it turns into him being pissed off at us that we didn’t take him out for drinks or mozzarella sticks. I mean he could at least suggest he wants it, we’re pretty good friends.” He told me that this bout of crankiness has been going on for two and a half weeks consecutively. Not a minute of it has been uncranky.

So being the Dr. of The Shockuation Room I decided to list some factors that cause crankiness and maybe a few ways to break through the crankiness.

Let me try to get a general description of what cranky means. There are subtle levels of cranky so that makes it a little difficult. However, I will continue to try to define cranky!

1. Fussiness

2. Fussiness, along with death stares.

3. Being insufferable and pissy toward every suggestion and situation. Even if the person suggesting something is being rather friendly.

4. Seriously, I’m going to smack a bitch if you don’t shut up.

5. Seriously, I’m going to smack a bitch if you don’t shut up and I’m going to go one step farther and straight up murder anyone that tries to be nice to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, everyone has these days. Hopefully they don’t actually turn in assault or first degree murder. It is acceptable to be cranky, it happens. However, it becomes very frustrating for the people around you.

Here are some causes for crankiness…

1. Lack of good sleep- People do not do well when they don’t sleep well. Or do not sleep the amount they are used to sleeping. This can cause crankiness and the person doesn’t even realize it.

2. The people you are around can cause crankiness- If you are a working person and your bosses/coworkers are down right bad people or just have bad attitudes this can extremely affect the way you act during work and when you come home. Not only that it might lead to some pretty pissed off text messages.

3. Stress is a giant factor in causing someone to be cranky. Stress can come from a variety of situations, activities, and other reasons.

4. Supposedly there has been a study that genes in women can actually make you susceptible for a cranky disposition. “Genetic variations that deal with the body’s mood management chemistry are linked with anger, aggression and hostility in women,” according to a University of Pittsburgh study. “The results counter some common beliefs that women are to blame for their hostility. And genetic tests for anger could help predict a woman’s likelihood of other anger-related diseases.” Women who had greater tendency toward aggressive and angry behaviors had lower levels of serotonin in their system.

5. Caffeine- Caffeine as much as people feel they need it, it can cause anxiety and eventually crankiness.

So that’s some reasons you could get cranky.

Here are some suggestions to help alleviate the crankiness.

1. Find a rewarding activity or hobby. Like sports, reading, writing, listening to music or some exercise in general. Also, try to focus on these activities instead of reverting your thinking on the ideas that have put you into this mood.

2. Catch up on your sleep! Personally, I am very bad at having a set sleep schedule. Mine is all over, which probably causes me to be cranky without even knowing it. But, if you get a chance to get to bed a little earlier than normal, you should take that opportunity.

3. At work try to find people with more positive moods. Sometimes it is impossible to be around people that are cheery at work. However, if you can’t find more positive people, attempt to not let their mood transfer to your mood.

4. Try doing some of your routine the opposite way. If you are finding yourself doing the same thing over and over and getting more and more upset, this could be a very worthwhile option. Albert Einstein said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

5. Make sure you are eating enough and getting the right balance of food in your diet.

I didn’t go back and talk to Mr. Luffalone, he was way too cranky.

Good luck Shelbyville!

Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.

-James Dust

[Don’t read this: Random words: (Teleprompters, speech writers, off the cuff comments!)]

Politics is something that everyone loves. It’s great! Who doesn’t love discussing it with your neighbor, your best friend, your dog, your grandpa, well, no one, and that’s because everyone has the exact same views! It’s wonderful. I’m going to try something different than what I used to do… Which was think for myself. From now on, I am going to believe and trust everything that any politician says: if it makes sense or not, if you can tell that the person saying something is lying while they are saying it, I will believe it with all my heart, even if it is a promise or a dream that we all know will never come true. This means I will trust: Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, Communists, Socialists and the mute. At the least we can know they all meant well, right? How stupid was I to think for myself? I wish someone would tell me.

According to every fan of Obama, President Bush is responsible for every terrible thing that is happening or will happen as long as he is the President. I know some people that are perfectly on board with that and some that aren’t. It doesn’t matter what I used to believe because today is a new day! I believe all words that everyone in power says! Starting with the top!!! But, don’t forget the little guys and gals!

This is what Bush thinks of all that stuff I said…

“I understand everybody in this country doesn’t agree with the decisions I’ve made. And I made some tough decisions. But people know where I stand.” George W. Bush

Just to prove how right he is listen to this!

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” George W. Bush

This goes for the Presidential nominee Mitt Romney! I can’t wait to turn into CNN and listen to all his quotes!!!

So, let’s get started. I will throw some quotes on from the past, I know hindsight is twenty twenty and that’s exactly why former quotes will make so much sense. And yes, not all of them are about important political issues, but instead just day to day quotes which show us just how brilliant our leaders are.

I WILL BELIEVE IN OUR LEADERS! Their wisdom is what is going to keep this country strong!

I will start with Joe Biden… He has been getting some flack from people. The critics are saying he is more of a burden or a liability toward President Obama. I think that’s a bunch of poo-ey. Sheesh. He’s the Vice President, obviously Obama knew he was a great guy.

This was Biden when he was proving points about McCain in the last election. Just check out how right he is and how much it makes sense.

“If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It’s a pretty hard experience. He’ll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at.” -Joe Biden on how poor McCain’s floor plan is.

Yeah, why would you design to have seven kitchen tables in your home?

I think my house should only be kitchen tables.

And this could happen to anyone, sometimes you forget what or why you’re at an event for and you say a wonderful thing to a wonderful man, completely in context, completely gracefully.

“Stand up, Chuck, let ’em see ya.”
—Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair.

So, like I mentioned, Mitt Romney he’s cool. He’s from Michigan, right? His dad was the Governor of Michigan, at least I think know that much. He was the Governor of Massachusetts, which is spelled super weird. Seriously. He became a Mormon Missionary, after he went to Stanford for a year. This guy is hard to keep up with, but I bet he has some wisdom with all these moves and different businesses and Mormony type things he’s up to. I honestly don’t understand how he got all this stuff done in the time he did, he was a busy dude. Plus, he has like five kids. He just becomes CEO of a company at 30 years old? No big deal. Then like I said, yeah he just drops in and says yeah might as well
be the governor of Massachusetts.

Wow.

He said this once…

And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, ‘It could be worse.’ It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse? Of course not. What defines us as Americans is our unwavering conviction that we know it must be better.

I don’t know what he’s talking about, but darn tootin’ he’s right. Just insert some more things that you hear he says, because honestly I’m having a hard time finding him saying anything. All I know is he has a decent hair cut. He probably has a nice business card too.

We can’t forget the current President.

“We’re the country that built the Intercontinental Railroad.” – Barack Obama

Bill Clinton, the darnedest things:

“The economy has produced 6.1 million jobs since I became president, and if Michael Jordan comes back to the Bulls, it will be 6,100,001 jobs.” –Bill Clinton, in 1995

“It depends on what the meaning of the words ‘is’ is.” –Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair

“It depends on how you define alone…” –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

“There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were.” –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

“I may not have been the greatest president, but I’ve had the most fun eight years.” –Bill Clinton

All quotes are found easily on the internet and may or may not be true, but I think they are all true.

Miller has came out with a new can that makes slamming a beer easier than ever!

To all the people that have issues with drinking more than one beer per hour (binge drinking) Miller has created a beer top that is sure to make:
1. Alcoholics

2. Rednecks

3. College students

4. NASCAR fans

5. Teenagers

6. And just all around pass out in the street drunks

ALL SUPER PUMPED!!

Long passed are the days in which you had to open a beer can and drink a beer as fast as you can with the possibility of having foamy, fizzy beer slipping out of your mouth as you chug with many inebriated bystanders cheering you on drunkenly.

If you aren’t into shotgunning beer, fear not. Another reason for the punch top beer can is it allows for an easier pouring experience. So, if you like your beer poured elegantly into a glass it offers a smoother pour. So, if you’re like a normal person that finds pouring a beer into a glass as difficult as if you were a third grader following a lecture on Quantum Physics, Miller is busy solving problems.

So, Miller hasn’t adopted a slogan that says: Miller Punch Top: Not Binging is For Your Parents! I think they are possibly on the verge of accepting that slogan in which I have submitted to Miller.com on multiple occasions after learning about the punch top.

So, if you’re drinking, please let me know how it works.

Wait, you’ve accidentally drank 5 beers in a half hour because how smooth those beers pour. Nevermind, I don’t expect a response.

-James Dust

I don’t really have anything funny or interesting to say, like, at all about this except, that I am pretty excited that it’s been a year since this website’s creation and it is still kind of entertaining. NEWS!

Let’s take a walk down memory lane with some pictures…

Everyone needs a hobby or two.

I find people watching to be a hilarious activity. I would go as far as to say it is one of my favorite hobbies or pastimes.

However, have you ever tried to implement the reverse people watch mentality? What I mean by that is you set yourself up to be the one gawked at. All the while looking at all the stupidity that surrounds you. I like to sit in an awkward position, wearing clothes that have no business being paired together, finishing the look with a clever or hip hat, along with obnoxious sunglasses. It doesn’t matter if it is day or night, nor does it matter if you look good in hats, the sunglasses and hat really are attention grabbers.

If you’re not quite up to the reverse people watching mentality then a pair of sunglasses in the day time with normal clothes while blending into a bench or a wall will suit you well.

A variation to the above and to the following strategies is to imply the winter hat indoors and the newspaper. People will think you’re reading and you’re smart, but really you’re just looking around trying to find someone to laugh at.

If you’re not sitting, make sure while you’re walking around a mall or some other place that you walk as close as you can to the people that you are people watching. Really get to know them. Make sure you can hear their conversations. Don’t be afraid to mutter something that could be mistaken for an answer in their conversation. It will make them very uncomfortable. Which is hilarity.

Another important aspect of people watching is to hit up the food court. If you’re in a mall I mean. If not, next time you’re eating you can try it at the restaurant. While people eat there is a lot of looking around going on. It doesn’t matter if the person is with 17 people or if there are two. They will chomp on their food and look around. During this chomping and staring around with no sense of purpose to their life, perhaps laughing and spewing particles of food across the table you could be picking out certain individuals to focus your gaze. The key to this is when your victim notices that you’ve been staring at her for three to five minutes, you DO NOT LOOK AWAY! You just keep looking, and hold your facial expression, if you’re smiling remain smiling, if you are vacant of expression, hold it! This will really make people uncomfortable while you on the inside are laughing until your stitches burst. To make this even more enjoyable carry a pad of paper and count how many times you do this to people.

This would probably be more fun with a group of people, but if you’re by yourself it makes it very creepy, and that in itself is hilarious.

Doing any of these things while you’re pretending you have a disability of some sort just makes it all the more interesting.

So, for an interesting day that doesn’t cost a lot of money, try people watching in some of the ways I have described for you.

BTW I am watching you.

So for a long time basketball fans have known about Stan Van Gundy and his awful: style, hair, face and disgusting resemblance to porn star Ron Jeremy.

That’s a big ole yuck on so many levels.

Not only is he gross to look at, his coaching style and attitude is, well, let me just pick a few words that start with a: abrasive, annoying, and abecedarian. The last one I pulled out of my bag of tricks. Look it up, it may or may not apply.

Anyway, here is another picture of how gross Stan Van Gundy is.

The majority of coaches in the NBA have some style. Or at least wear suites that look decent. Stan Van Gundy wears dress pants, suit coat and then like this weird like comfy tee shirt or polo, either way it’s terrible. I don’t get it. Here is the difference between someone dressing like an NBA coach and someone dressing like he slept in his clothes the night before.

Terrible

Better

Another thing about how gross he is, is that he truly doesn’t care at all. Except in one way. He does drink some type of Diet Cola. Which, is a positive.

Anyway, thinking about Stan Van Gundy leaves me confused.

Sorta like this.

Why is dancing so awesome? Dancing is great. Even if you know you’re terrible you love to do it.

Watching people dancing is also awesome. It’s better when they are terrible, but it’s acceptable to watch good dancing.

Dance parties are the best parties. Dance parties at my birthday party is the best combo ever. HINT HINT, SOMEONE THROW ME A BIRTHDAY DANCE PARTY!

Dear Oliver,

Let me begin by apologizing that your first assignment has gone so terribly awry. However, I did tell you to get a full tune up before you got to NYC, crazy things happen. Maybe not as crazy as your engine turning into a tripped out poster that stoners would buy from their college poster sale, like I have said, it’s truly unfortunate.

Either way, I am glad to hear from you. I nearly forgot you weren’t busy in Somalia: finding all sorts of facts, making friends, catching a tan, enjoying the view and hanging with pirates.

I have received one letter from your mom asking how your trip was going. Obviously, you haven’t phoned your mother. This lack of concern for your mother makes me question taking you on as an intern. I forgive you. Sometimes mom’s can be a tad overbearing. To put her at ease I sent her an autographed picture of myself, $20 dollars cash and a $25 dollar gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond.

That should make up for the little mishap that her son got himself into.

That reminds me. I’m not to sure that I liked your tone in a part of your sloppy letter. The person that I sent on the story of a lifetime in the beautifully interesting, and yes, at times terrifying country of Somalia was a: modest, hard working, humble reporter. He had big dreams, big hopes and loved big sandwiches. Where is that young man!? It makes me sad. It makes me doubly sad because I know that those sandwiches have expired and the meat and cheese has developed an odor not unlike when you spilled milk in your car, but weren’t aware of it for a week and couldn’t place the odor, but new that something was rotting slowly, somewhere, teasing and haunting you.

So, about Steven Steve Stephens. He’s a saint! A great man! He’s got me out of some serious scrapes with the law. One time an elderly woman asked me to mow her lawn for the summer. I agreed I would manage her lawn. She was a woman that crept across the street, knocked as soft as a bug accidentally flying into a pane of glass and spoke close to your face with a whisper that was inaudible. Our conversation lasted 25 minutes, it was a slow mass of words slithering out of her mouth trying to find my ear.

Anyway. I agreed. I didn’t say I would mow her lawn, I told her I would manage her lawn. She went on vacation to Michigan, somewhere in the mitten she said, I had no idea what she was talking about, she said it was a Michigan thing.

On a day that the sun seemed on top of you, I went across the street and began my job. It took me five hours of relentless work, but I managed. I fenced in her entire lawn. I had then gone to a local goat farm and purchased 30 goats. I placed them inside the fence. You see, goats will eat anything. If you stand next to some, talking away to another person, you will feel a slight tug on your shorts or shirt, look down to find a goat with their three stomachs trying to bite of a piece of your clothing.

When she returned she got out of the car and fell flat on her butt. I was excited. I thought I had really impressed her. It wasn’t until she walked slower than a street sweeper trying to milk extra hours. She knocked as softly as a bubble and glared at the door. I knew something was wrong at that point. She lit into me with all that she could muster. I told her I thought the goats could keep her company. She told me that Alex Trebek, Brian Williams and Regis was all she needed! She sued me for $18,000 dollars, the money she had paid me for the summer ($300 dollars) and psychological damages because one of the goats, I named Sally, tried to chew off her sun dress as well as her fanny pack, while Mrs. Sharrp talked to the Ice Cream Man. The goats also had ate a good portion of the siding from her home.

Anyway, Steven Steve Stephens and his $6,000 dollar suit got me out of that one. So is this deputy girl hot? She has most of her information private on Facebook and she has a picture of an ocean as her profile pic. I can’t make heads or tails of their relationship, Oliver, sorry.

I have to go, people are starring at me. I’m getting too famous to sit at a coffee bar with a sign that says this guy is famous on my table.

Let Steven Steve Stephens do his magic, he’ll get to work. I’ll send him an autographed picture of myself as well as a gift card to Applebees, he’ll be able to take the chick to dinner and come back in with a new attitude.

Stay Strong,

Coyote Rush