The Shockuation Room

This list is not the top weirdest animals in order, instead they are listed as when they pop in my mind. So, let’s begin…

1.Walrus-

The Walrus, weighing in at an obese weight of 3,700 lb, is a huge flopping, flipping mass that has something that resembles Elephant skin, and the most obnoxious tusks in the world.

Do you want me to call a dentist, she might be able to refer you to an orthodontist.

Not only does the flipping, flapping and random fighting get annoying, but have you ever heard one of their pathetic attempts at communicating?

The sounds they make are ridiculous. A few of them sound like buzz saws or steam whistle sounds that signify the end of a work day…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Follow that to some weird noises.

Just think about how weird they are. They serve little to no purpose and are incredibly weird.

2. Anteater-

The Anteater is a strange, strange animal. Look at its stupid head. No, seriously, look at it. It looks like an attachment to a vacuum.

And now some smart ass person out there are going to say, “but isn’t that the best way they would get the most ants?”

To that I would say, “shut up!”

Moving on, they range from around four foot to almost six feet long. Their weird vacuum attachment head and the rest of their body weighs from 70 to around 90 pounds. And in all of that weight the entire purpose of these ridiculous creatures is to just eat and eat and suck up and lick ants and termites. What a life!

The Anteater has a lot of features that make it weirder, weirder, and honestly just for a lack of a better of a word, weird. They look for food at night. They can rest their vacuum head to sleep as much as 15 hours a day. They do not have teeth. However, they have a long, sticky tongues which can extend up to two feet in length to send bugs to a lake of hell-fire. Surprisingly, because they have a vacuum attachment for a head, the Anteater has an extremely intense sense of smell, around 40 times that of humans! God, they are weird. Guess what? They have claws! And their claws are used to rip open concrete-hard termite and ant mounds.

Not only does the Anteater look like a complete idiot and wander around seemingly as aimless as a drunk college student, but the anteater has to visit up to 200 nests to consume thousands of insects just to come close to reaching its caloric requirements. Although the Anteaters eat about 30,000 insects a day, they spend just a few minutes gorging themselves at any one ant nest or termite mound, removing a few thousand insects from each.

What a weird and stupid animal.

And to finish up on how weird they are… Listen to how an Anteater sounds like a car that is failing to start.

3. Hammerhead Shark-

These poor, poor, pathetic fish.

I dare you to tell me they weren’t made fun of at school.
(Get it, they sometimes swim in schools of fish) Let me pop this bubble right now, they were made fun of, a lot, by nearly everything. Seriously, look at them.

After years and years of bullying, the Hammerhead Sharks became extremely aggressive hunters, feeding on smaller fish, octopuses, squid, crustaceans and even other Hammerhead Sharks, see how much they hate themselves? They eat themselves for crying out loud! These sharks do not seek out humans, but if a human is stupid enough to start swimming around them and making fun of them for their ridiculous heads and faces the sharks are very defensive and will attack when provoked. Provoked meaning something like, “hey sharky! You gots yourself a stupid head!”

Hammerhead Sharks are from roughly 11 to 20 feet long. They can weigh 500 to 1,000 lbs (What a bunch of fatties) These sharks can live their supremely weird life from 20 to 30 years. That sure is a lot of time to be weird.

Last look:
….
—-
><><>< 4. Bob-
Bob. Bob is a dog. He is a very nice dog. However, this does not change the fact for one second that he is exceptionally weird.
Bob wakes up by scratching your face clean off and continuously jumping on then off the bed.

Now, Bob has been known to sneeze for no reason whatsoever for up to twelve times. A person can bring about these sneezing attacks with the littlest effort you’ve ever seen in your life. A Bob, when thirsty which is always, sticks his whole face directly into the water bowl.
He resides in Chicago, Illinois, when the air quality becomes poor, Bob will immediately lay on his side. This is a warning to all of his friends that the Weather Channel has issued an air quality advisory. Bob is as cool as a cucumber, but man is he weird.

5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-

—————– ——— ————————– — — — — — – – ——————————————-

The Giraffe is the world’s tallest mammal, you better believe they stood out early in their life. And other animals like Hyenas mocked them without cessation. I know a fact that is unknown to nearly everyone else in the world… The reason the Giraffe’s neck grew so long was in an effort to not hear those stupid hyenas laughing away. Now, there is no way to prove that, but trust me it is the reason. Gosh that’s weird.

–

——————–

————–

The extremely bizarre and weird legs of the Giraffe are over six feet long. This allows them to run up to 35 mph in short distances, during a long distance run they can maintain a comfortably speed at around 10 mph. After adding their ridiculous neck parts along with their silly legs, Giraffes are roughly 14 to 19 feet tall. Giraffes don’t seem to weigh that much, but don’t let them fool you. They weigh from 1,750 to 2,800 pounds.

This and a Giraffe weigh about the same.

I don’t think I’m making this as clear as I should. Giraffes are super weird. Look at their weird faces. Do you know they have giant purple tongues?!

Bozeman, Montana- After a highly publicized tempestuous 35 year relationship with himself that was filled with infidelity, finally ended today as John Mayer left another former lover in his wake. Neighbors heard Mayer saying, “YOU SAID MY BODY WAS A WONDERLAND!” and “I’m bigger than my body now!” The screaming at the top of his lungs like he was running through the halls of his high school was followed by a gigantic crash and feedback from a live amp.

Rumor has it that an interview in which he spoke about Jessica Simpson’s love making ability finally drove him over the edge…

(I apologize that all John Mayer ever does, excuse me did, he loved to say extremely idiotic statements that made everyone besides girls cringe, even himself obviously.)

This quote about Jessica Simpson could have been the straw that broke John Mayer’s back, “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…

There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

At press release there was no time table set for a revenge love song.

President Obama on Syria- I’m noting going to do anything, it’s Syria’s problem, but at least it’s not Rwanda.

President Clinton on Rwanda- “We didn’t know what was going on, just didn’t have the information (SAID ANY PRESIDENT EVER, NOT! HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW??? YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT!) so we didn’t do anything, but at least it wasn’t WHATEVER NIXON DID”

President Nixon on Whatever, “At least it wasn’t Bangladesh!”

President Ford on Bangladesh- “Hey, at least it wasn’t Cambodia.”

President Carter on Cambodia- We told the world that Cambodia it was wrong, thought that would be enough just didn’t turn out well it, wasn’t my fault. At least it wasn’t the Holocaust.”

President Roosevelt- “At least it wasn’t… I GOT NOTHING.”

Outside- Yup.

Pittsburgh- There are ongoing protests and boycotts of Walmart. These people believe that Walmart is responsible for: destroying local, smaller businesses, unfairly treating their employees. These people also believe that Walmart’s quality of products are poor. Lastly, they find Walmart to be “anti-American.”

I frequent Walmart quite a bit because of their low prices and their products are very good, don’t believe me? Take a stroll through the deli and meat department buy a couple of their steaks, they are outstanding. That is no lie.

However, you may see some horrific sites at Walmart, and that’s because Walmart has dumbed down so many customers that they just show up wearing whatever and sometimes Halloween costumes on days like April 23rd, it doesn’t matter to them and Walmart accepts them with a warm embrace.

So, Walmart has already established the fact that they are cool with everyone. Even this lady.

Let’s just assume that’s for someone else… However, that beer has produced at least one little ‘expected’ bundle of joy.

Now to tackle the issue of Walmart’s employees’ helpless morale.

Just look at the contradiction of the employees being taken advantage of.

And…

Does this lady seem distraught???

Listen:

The people, the possible customers flock to Walmart, just flock, rush, knock each other and beat each other to a pulp to get through the door! Don’t believe me? Well?!

Ok, remember how I said Walmart begins its domination at the door? Do you also remember how I said that Walmart has done so well at dumbing the people that come into their store? It all starts at the Enter/Exit sign.

Now, it may just be me, but don’t stores have you enter from the right hand side of the door? But, at Walmart they force you to do something wrong. If you go in through the normal way then you didn’t follow the instructions. Following the enter/exit sign causes you to enter from the left side, which just doesn’t feel right. So, as soon as you enter the store you’re immediately dumber.

According to this guy, you’re doing it right.

Morgan Freeman has had a part in so many movies that I’m almost confused to put up a number that could be completely accurate: so instead I will go by IMDB’s current number of films that he has been an actor in, which is 101. That number of films spans from uncredited movies in the 1960’s and continues into movies that are in post-production not planned to come out until next year or further.

Freeman has regularly been a supporting actor and a narrator, he doesn’t play many roles in which he has a joking demeanor, most of his characters are rather serious. This calls for Freeman to use his ability of calm but authoritative advice or lectures on life lessons. While narrating, Freeman doesn’t need to worry about his acting because he is speaking lines to fit the scenes, however when he is in front of the camera he must fit the part.

In ‘Olympus Has Fallen’, Freeman is thrust into the role of acting President of The United States after terrorists have captured the President. Again, he is president during a crisis, think ‘Deep Impact’. As President under great stress during the terrorist attacks he must use his expertise in acting. Like I said earlier, he has been perfecting his craft since the 60’s being an uncredited stand in to being the star of blockbusters.

I interviewed Morgan on how hard he is still working on different aspects of his acting. I asked him what he thinks he has perfected and what he still thinks is the biggest area in which he can improve.

J.D.: What area of your acting do you believe you have perfected and what do you think is the biggest area in which you could improve on?

M.F.: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to sit down with you and be a part of the Shockuation Room. I don’t believe that I have perfected anything because I think there is always room to improve in any part of life including different areas of acting. However, if I were forced to pick one thing that I think is my strength I would pick my narration skills. Picking my weakness I would choose my inability to know if I look concerned enough, overly concerned or just out and out ridiculous.

J.D.: That really surprises me because you have had so many roles that you’ve been under duress. I have always thought you played the part as great as anyone!

M.F.: I’ve heard that a lot in my life and I thank you for your boost of confidence in the area I feel the least control and weakness in my acting. Let me show you what I’m talking about on really having to work to look concerned.

First I will show you a few faces that I think I nailed the look. How’s this one?

J.D.: That’s a great one!
M.F.: Thank you! I will try again. You don’t mind if I use some of my props I brought do you?
J.D.: No problem.
M.F.: Thanks. Let me just grab my coat and hat! Here!

J.D.: I don’t know how you can think you don’t have this just nailed!
M.F.: Let me try another one.

J.D.: Whew, that might be a little off.
M.F.: See what I mean? Alright, don’t say anything just let me do a few more, thank you for letting me change and stuff.
J.D.: No problem!
M.F.: I said don’t talk bitch!
J.D.:———————

M.F.: Check this one!!

M.F.: Another!

M.F.: AGAIN!

M.F.: DON’T GIVE ME THAT FACE!!! I was just trying something a little different. How’s THIS!?

J.D.: Ummm… No.
M.F.: (slumping a little) See? I’m ashamed.
J.D.: Try again… Please.
M.F.: Oh, ok!

J.D.: See, you can do it. One more to go out on?
M.F.: Yes!

J.D.: Let’s try again.
M.F.:

J.D.: You serious?
M.F.: Ok, this is it, last one.

M.F.: Excuse me I need to use your bathroom, you may want to clean this chair.
J.D.: Oh come on MORGAN!

At press release Freeman had escaped through the bathroom window and James Dust was calling Serve Pro.

Washington-

The gun debate has been raging for months or even years, but today at the heart of the gun debate today were Ted Cruz and Dianne Feinstein. After being asked a two and a half minute question by Senator Cruz- R Texas, Feinstein D- California, responded by saying that she was going to make a “couple of points.”

She started out by saying that she was not a six grader, which to anyone that has the great gift of sight is obvious, but don’t listen to my patter. Moving on!

Dianne decided she would maturely list all the reasons why she wasn’t a six grader in a six grade fashion by telling everyone there all the things that she had accomplished. Feinstein said “I’ve been on this committee for twenty years, I was a mayor for nine years. Then she went into a babbling of words to which she was admitting to being involved or at a large number of murders and crime scenes. “I’ve walked in and seen people shot, I’ve looked at bodies that have been shot with these weapons, I’ve seen bullets that implode.” Finally, she admitted she wasn’t a lawyer and in fact did have a good education and was sorry she argued, but she was just made fun of by her family for enjoying coloring books.

The senator from Texas agreed that he, himself still enjoys coloring books, but the coloring books in Texas are a lot bigger than her’s in California, this lead to another argument.

She began, “I’m not an eighth grader, I know the size and population of Texas and California, I’ve lived in California, I’ve seen the grass and the sky, I passed Geography with an A-, it wasn’t my best work because I couldn’t remember that the capitol of Uzbekistan was Tashkent. That was my specific country Mr. Senator and I couldn’t remember!” She added “I come from a different place than you do,” at this everyone in the room gasped waiting for her to tell them that she was an alien, but instead said, “I’ve seen your damn coloring books and I respect them, just because you have a hundred thousand square miles more than my state doesn’t mean it has shit on our coloring books, we have the most people! We have to draw shapes and patterns to encourage our children to use their imagination, sure, a couple tigers get colored purpled here and there, but come on, I know my coloring books! I’m not in third grade!”

Some dude from Vermont said something about books and the topic switched from guns to pornography and it really made no sense.

Suddenly, a bell rang, she raised her hand and asked to be excused. Cruz nodded politely and the senator from California walked to the cubbey hole by the door, picked up her backpack and noticed there was a letter for her mother. Her head then rotated 180 degrees toward the senator from Texas in which she displayed a ghastly dirty look and left the room slamming the door on the way out.

“Well, that was weird,” Cruz then said, “She didn’t finish her vocabulary for the week, I had to let her mother know that. I know that Betty Goldman has been dead for years, but I just wanted to get under Dianne’s skin a little.”

The people in the room looked at each other then looked at the clock, Cruz’s face reddened and he said that would be all for the day. A collective sigh of relief was let out as they all gathered single file to walk to the bus stop.

Before all of them left the room he called them back in….

LOOK, Mr. Lee has became this gun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s been over two months since anyone has contributed anything to this marvelous news site, but I am changing that as I type and you read.

First off, hi.

Second off, sorry for going so long without making your day brighter and making you a more informed individual. Don’t listen to the regular news, it’s depressing and stupid. This is fun, exciting and pertinent.

Now, back to the topic.

I’m not trying to be rude or say I have anything wrong with overweight people, I have no problem with them at all, my family isn’t running decathlons so I have NNNOOOO right to take liberties. However, today I went to Old Country Buffet and was appalled by several woman that were just failing to understand the concept of tight pants with things written on their butts.

Let me take you on a visual tour of what guys think when women, college students, ect. are wearing them appropriately…..

Now, here are guys when they know that girls just should not being wearing yoga pants that turn into yoga PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

First a picture to demonstrate how guys eyes burn and it can’t be helped. Like I said, I have no beef with larger girls as long as the think about what they are wearing, it would be like if I wore a shirt that I cut off above the belly button and just owned it… People would noooooooooootttttttttttt be impressed and that’s all I am saying.

DO YOU NOW UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOGA PANTS AND YOGA PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSS?

I hope so…

Coyote Rush

Wherever-

A man was asked by another man if he could take him to the E.R. because he has a boil the size of a fist on his side/back. Other man says, “Ok, yeah that thing looks pretty much awful.”

So, instead of going to the E.R. in town he, being the man with a ridiculously large boil, wants to go to an E.R. 45 minutes away. Driving man gets 10 dollars from him for gas. Driving man appreciates this. The drive was of no consequence and was quite boring besides the incessant babbling and complaining of the boil man and the pain of the boil.

Driving man pulls up to the E.R. drops him off, boil man says, “it’s super packed.” Driving man says, “You better get in line then.” Driving man then says, “If it’s that packed I’m going to McDonald’s, getting a small coffee and taking full advantage of their free WI-FI. Good luck!”

The time of this drop off was roughly 1:54 P.M.

Boil man takes forever getting seen.

Driving man plays Angry Birds and makes really stupid posts on Facebook.

Four hours go by…

Driving man starting to be like, “Uh, I’ve been in McDonald’s for a long time.”

Driving man texts boil man and boil man has to have minor surgery. Driving man was like, “Uh, how long is that going to take?”

Boil man- Texts indecipherable.

Driving man- GREAT WEEKEND

Boil man- “If I give you some money will you go get me some food?”

Driving man- “I am not walking through the hospital with no idea where you are to get money from you and then go get food, then walk through the hospital with McDonald’s.”

Boil man- “I will come outside.”

Driving man- “Dude, they are about to do minor surgery on you and you’re just going to come prancing out in a half blizzard? Have they already gave you a shot, because you seem half retarded????”

Boil man- “Yeah, they gave me the maximum dose of Dilaudid.”

Driving man- “Dude, that’s like Morphine’s kid.”

Boil man- “What?”

Driving man- “So, is this a serious thing, you’re going to walk out of the hospital and hand me money, then come back out again and get the food? Like this is seriously what you’re proposing?”

Boil man- “What, I mean, yeah.”

Driving man- “Why don’t you get the dang boil drained and then we can think about food.”

Boil man- “But, I’m so hungry.”

Driving man- “I also said I wanted to be back home at four-ish. And it’s 5:30!”

Boil man- “………………..”

Driving man- In head… “WTF.”

Anyway, the man babbled the whole way home because he was wasted off that shot.

Driving man drove through half blizzard without incident.

Driving man was not pleased when home.

Boil man was very pleased even if he couldn’t walk up his stairs.

At press time someone was writing this story.

-James Dust