Story(a) + Storee(b)= Part 2 of ?

The last half of year, of my entire life has been a touchy situation. Sleep has been an ongoing theme. A theme that if I was graded on would be failing. I created new and recreated old forms of sleeping: from trying every possible angle in which sleep would enter a person’s soul, the couch, to the bed, hanging from a pullup bar whilst pretending to be Batman. Nothing worked. When I did get four or more hours of sleep I woke up with so much fatigue that I could have been a spokesman for fatigues or for that matter anything dealing with lethargy. Ask a college student if they saw a picture of me rolling out of bed and getting to class three minutes before the final exam. Because it’s happened. Many dirty looks I have got, when showing up right on time or slightly late for a final exam. The mutterings are anything, but library voice volume. Not a lot of people cared much. Only caring enough to make certain that you heard their opinion on the matter.

How did you sleep last night?

Anyway!

The story sort of started like this. At least the person who told it to me said it started a lot like this. But, like I’ve said: I’m kind of tired, are you? Sorry, I won’t ask for at least a few more minutes. BUT! I need you to be honest with me. Wait, don’t you remember, my friend? By planting the seed of sleep inside of your lush, fertile brain: your brain latched onto that idea and said, “yup, sleep sounds good. Let me remind you of how much I like to sleep.” So, you like sleep. Good, so do I. Are you tired yet? Good thing you have a couple hours to call your own.

When I am able to get to sleep, there isn’t much that can knock it off the platform for most important thing in life at that instance. Let’s say that if I was at a medal ceremony during the Olympics and I had won the event, but was suddenly offered the Gold Medal in whatever event I wanted to win the most: in exchange, I would receive the Gold medal for that event if I gave up the one in which I had won. What a thrill, it’s something I always wanted to do! Oh, the agony of decision. The determining factor would be that the event that I won was best in sleep. The TV cameras would not be on me, and instead of the three level podium, I would get one bed in which to enjoy a glorious life time of sleep. Not at once of course, but at my own leisure, every night or whenever was deemed necessary.

There was a large neon yellow sticky paper on my keyboard, it said, “Oh, hey there. Thanks for coming around…” It was signed half way legible, half Swahili. There was a P.S. it said, thanks for dinner last night.

I hoped it was a genuine, glad to see me type message, but as I over analyzed everything, just like normal. I realized it was my jealous boss. Always upset that I could meet deadline

It was Thursday, it was gray, it was rainy, cold and uninviting, it was a type of day that you could easily forget about. And most people would head to the bars to attempt to forget this one as soon as God, Country, Queen, work, time and I would allow them.

I put my head down on my computer desk to think a little harder. It felt great, my muscles relaxed and I could feel the joy of the extended blink.

There was a crash of metal and then a large gross splat. I woke up in a semi-panic, I didn’t know where I was, my face was covered with what I hoped were newspapers. It smelled like three day old stale stink, and that wasn’t even the bad smelling corner of the room. I knocked whatever was on my face off of it. I knew I needed food and drink. But, again, what time was it? Where was I? And most importantly could I trust someone to get me though? I walked out of my cluttered office, into a long and what looked like an abandoned hallway. I took a gander to the right then left as I instantaneously hopped over a gallon of skim milk, three corn beef and Swiss sandwiches and ended up right on schedule for the train to Scienceville, OH. I wasn’t really sure as to why I was going, especially because the only reason I knew that the town was real was from religiously searching bizarre names of cities and villages, in great hopes of finding a story that was bigger.

In this story it was known for a fact that there was a rumor of a person that didn’t make a lot of sense, but at the same time most of the people around him believed almost everything he said. The weather was weird, but it wasn’t very warm, so I didn’t care more than I should have. Scienceville was a very interesting town, and just so happened to be the town that the said person was supposed to be freaking everyone out, yet, at the same time making the most rational points that the world was pumping out. I went there to find out just why there was a person claiming to be sane, and at the same time was being watched by nearly every single entity in the known universe. The best part of an entity is that they don’t actually have to exist, that’s why rumors were so large that known and unknown entities were circling this poor soul, night and day. He was forced to believe that these entities were around him, he was never told otherwise his entire life.

The person’s name was Gene Lucas. Gene is 37 years old and has accomplished a lot more than most people his age, but at the same point, a lot less. It’s just a matter of prospective. For a good part of his life Gene tried to figure out if he was a woman or a man. People called him pretty, a lot of the time: this confused him to no end. He would ask his mom if he was a boy or a girl and she would say: “you’re our special boy, Gene. You can be whatever you want.” Gene hated that response and he also hated open ended questions, not only did he have to put up with a ridiculous question, but he was forced to give some type of a prophecy. Those type of questions made his blood boil and his desire to retort with great wrath shown through his dress shirt ripping open in comic book fashion.

(Look for part 3 of ?)

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Winter Is Here: How To Get Sick… or Avoid It

Now, you may be wondering to yourself, “Why would I want to get sick, Doc?”

And that’s an interesting question. Thanks for asking, let me answer it by posing another question, did you actually read the title or are you one of those selective readers/listeners? Anyway, you can count on me and the rest of the Shockuation crew to keep you up to date with all breaking news as well as health updates. Basically, don’t go to any website besides this one.

I will know!  And it will not end well.

A Few Easy Ways To Prevent The Whole Winter Sickness Thing:

1. Just because it’s dark out and cold doesn’t mean that you actually need to start behaving like you’re going into hibernation. We are not bears. We are humans! Right?

In a recent study conducted by Dr. Sanksrit Grumpay, a vast majority of people stop doing regular activities and start laying on the couch continuously: creating a cycle of sleep-eat-work(if you’re lucky enough to have a job)-eat-lay on couch-eat again- lay on couch- eat ice cream-sleep on couch-go to bed- repeat. You may think, oh boy I’m going to get huge. That’s actually not true. Weight gain in the winter months is normally a natural thing. However, there are some contributing factors that that makeweight gain, sickness and depression worse than normal.

I am aware that I am jumping all over the place. But, all of this is important for your mental and physical wellness.

Here are some of my suggestions for maintaining wellness.

Sleep!

Remember when parents, babysitters, rappers, random people that were just annoyed with you told you to G0 TO SLEEP or take a nap for cryin’ out loud?Those people have a point. Many people take sleep for granted. I know how great the urge is to stay awake, knowing that tomorrow morning comes soon and with it work, but continuing to hold on in a futile effort to glimpse one final good thing on TV. The recommended amount of sleep varies for the different age groups, but a lack of sleep contributes to many illnesses. It raises the risk factors greatly for diseases like: diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, obesity, and depression.

Recommended hours of sleep:

Newborn- Two Months 12 to 18 hours
 

Toddlers

  • 1–3 years need 12–14 hours
  • 3–5 years old need 11–13 hours
  • 5–10 years old need 10–11 hours
Adolescents

  • 10-17 years need 8.5–9.5 hours
Adults 7 to 9 hours

Drink fluids!

If you do end up getting sick or feel a cold/flu sneaking up on you it is very important to get a lot of water into your system. This causes your body to flush possible toxins out of your body, as well as carries important nutrients to places in your body, Plus, it quite possibly may be able to ward off virus/bacteria before it really starts reeking horror on your body.

The supposed rule for keeping your body hydrated is 8, 8oz. glasses of water. That equals 64 oz. That’s not a bad amount of water to drink, but really the goal should be more than the 64oz. The amount necessary depends on a few more factors: the size of the person, the gender of the person and if the person has any chronic illness or problems with certain vital organs.

Wash Your Hands!

Think of everything we touch per day. EW. Hand sanitizer is a good alternative to the ole, soap and water, soap, soap and water, however it can cause skin irritation, depending on the individual’s sensitivity to certain chemicals. Seriously, just wash your hands!

Dress Appropriately!

If it’s cold out, put on a coat, a hat and some gloves! Seriously, it’s not that hard.

Lastly-

If you are sick, take a day off and get better before going back into your routine. There is no need to punish the people you work with.

 

So there were a few tips… If you need more send me an email or leave a comment….

 

Stay healthy! Till next time I’m Sanskrit Grumpay, MD and you’re in the Shockuation Room.

Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.

-James Dust

 

 

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Driving

Sanilac County, MI- So, when was the last time you drove? Yesterday? Today? RIGHT NOW?!?!!? Please, don’t pick the last one.

Anyway. Have you ever stopped and thought about how insane driving is? I’m being pretty serious here. People are controlling these two ton machines with four or more wheels and most of the people are: singing, dancing, eating, sleeping, smoking, drinking, making sweet love to their face, (putting make up on) adjusting their sunglasses, checking the mirrors: but only to see if someone is watching how cool they look driving in their awesome Pontiac G6 they got from their SWEET 16 party.

I understand that sentence might be a lot to handle at once. That’s why I am allowing you to go back and read it again if you desire. Go on. Go back up there and read it. Do any of those apply to you?

FOR SHAME!!!!

Do you ever get so scared that you’re driving like an idiot when a cop approaches that you immediately slam on the breaks and go 54 MPH? How about you do that, then you forget where you were actually going and end up missing your street/road?

SHIRLEY YOU DON’T DO THAT!!!

I got an idea…

Let’s use some pictures to demonstrate what I mean.

Who would win in a fight?

A big red Astro Van or a Chevy Duramax Truck

VS.

Ok, now let’s make this into a little math strategy game…

Let’s say that the Red Astro Van was traveling at 60 MPH heading to the east. The person driving the Astro Van was sober, but a complete dork. That doesn’t factor into the equation too much besides the fact that he/she might be a little overzealous. Anyway… He/she left at 8:05 a.m. to arrive at a meeting twenty five minutes early. The meeting is 21 miles away. What time does the Big Red Van arrive at the meeting? Don’t forget to factor in the the driver of the Chevy truck who runs all stops signs, drives over the center line and all and all drives like a psychopath.

The correct answer is…

You guessed it!

Yep, it's Robert Blake.

You guessed it… ROBERT BLAKE! (The man that’s excuse when his wife was murdered was that “he returned to the restaurant because he had left his own gun in the booth where they had just finished eating.”)

Stay Tuned For More Riddles

Coyote Rush

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Story(a) + Storee(b)= Part 1 of ?

*Note from Editor.*

*There was a lot of crazy people around everyone when this story was written. Many of them tried to help this story blossom. Most just thought it was awesome and should be left alone. Leaving a story: alone, unread, unnoticed, unloved or hated is the worst thing you can do to a reader or writer. The story also suffers, because the longer a story survives without being complete the more likely it is to allow acids and bases to infiltrate the writing, eventually destroying what the story tried to stand for.*

Thank You,

*Judame Brazenfeld*

Let’s start on an even playing field.

I am not better than you, nor are you better than I. You are reading, while I am sitting back hoping you will continue to do so. What you are reading is my barely decipherable vocabulary, placed in positions that will continue to aid and at times hinder your ability to do so. Keep in mind that I was born and I will die, just like you my nameless friend. I hope I can call you my friend.

Anyway, my name, at this point is unimportant, some of you are aware that I ask real and imaginary questions to real and imaginary people. Their responses, at times come out as undigested verbal and nonverbal aspirations of vomit that can be confused with conversation. At times this job can get really confusing. For example, you’re writing a great essay on a topic that could be your claim to fame when it is released. You wake up in the morning one day and your dog ate your homework. Who the hell would believe that? Especially, when your dog has a penchant for eating fully operational laptops: unbiasedly in price, make or model, color, creed or political affiliation. Trust me, ‘Tree Rollins’ (my dog) loves eating.

Anyway, after my last article, “Writing Respective Reflections Betwixt The Disrespectful Times,” was not published in the highly respected Journal of Highly Respected Essays on Importantly Important Social Literature, I did not cry. But, instead wrote the most thrilling story that my cat, ‘Sophisticated’, “Fisty Cat” for short, had ever gazed eyes upon.

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A Few Good Things To Do When Ghostbusters Don’t Answer Their Phone

1. You call back and say, “Hey Janine, sorry about the bug eyes thing.”
2. You make CERTAIN that the bathtub is trying to eat you before you cause mass chaos.
3. Dogs and cats living together!
4. If there is a chance that a baby named Oscar is going to be possessed, by a demi-god named Vigo, then please, oh please, wrap him up in a Joe Willy Namath jersey as soon as possible.
5. Do not go into your frig, there may be a lot of junk food.

Remember to suck in the guts, they are the Ghostbusters.

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Here Is A Quick Psychology/Sociology/Seminary/Philosophy Session.

Hi.

I can totally sum up the human life experience in one short phrase. I will spoil it for you if you want?

Do you want to know what it was??

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Pantech: “Light-Years Ahead In Changing The Designs of Futility.”

Atlanta, GA- In 2010 Pantech a company no one has ever heard of and no one could care less about released their new phone the Pantech Link. It is without a doubt the crappiest phone anyone could buy. Pantech is a South Korean company with its wireless headquarters in Atlanta. I went there to have a few words with their founder.

Beyong-Yeop Park, the founder and CEO rushed out of the office building when I pulled into the nearly deserted parking lot screaming in an almost incomprehensible whirl all newish slang and foreign who knows whats its.

“Hello! It’s so nice since the last time we talked! How are you doing today, Mr. Rush?”

“Good. Grand, terrific, wonderful. Splendid, outstanding, happier than cat at a bowl of milk, sweeter than sugar, high as a kite.” I said.

“Oh, that’s great, because your tone and face makes you look unhappy.” Said Park.

Oh, that’s because everything I just said is a lie. A down right lie. I’m sick of it. Your phone completely blows. Everything about it is terrible. There isn’t one good feature about it, AT ALL!”

“Not only could it be enough that I completely despise this phone with all my heart, but it goes one step farther… IT BREAKS ITSELF!!!!!!!!!!”

Park quivered nervously, “Oh, well, I am sorry. The Pantech Link is obviously a very good phone. It wouldn’t break itself, it doesn’t have a self destruct button.”

“Oh, it doesn’t? Then please tell me what’s going on in these series of pictures.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, there was nothing in the pocket with it. I hadn’t even leaned against anything the entire day. I pulled the stupid phone out and it was off. I thought, hmm that’s odd. So, I turned it on and bam… THIS GUY!!!!

Day 1 of Phone Break

So, I try to make it work. You know, give it another day see what happens. It really still doesn’t work there Park, anyway this is what I woke up to on day four” I said.

Pantech Sucks Day 4


Pretty great huh? I love it.

Park was getting very nervous and managed to mumble out, “oh yes, that’s very unfortunate, very sorry, very. Maybe it get better?”

“Oh, like later in the day Mr. Park??”

“Yes!” said Park.

Check out this beauty!!

About 4:30 on Day 4... Absolutely any chance of figuring anything out on your phone completely annihilated. Wonderful, thanks PANTECH!

“Would you like replacement phone?”

“Yes, is it better than a Pantech Link?”

“No, it would have to be a Pantech Link, and we would charge you 200 american dollar.”

Best. Day. Ever.

Stay Tuned

Coyote Rush

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Members of the House, Senate, and President In Agreeance For First Time!

In a shocking turn of events, members from: the House, the Senate and the President of the United States all said, “Unemployment is too high.” THEY AGREED ON SOMETHING!

The entire area around Washington D.C. froze and traffic was held in place in an almost supernatural way. After the initial shock and silence, the press slowly came to, from passing out. They couldn’t believe that our leaders could possibly taking a step in the right direction. One of them said, “Wait, they agreed on something?!”

President Obama said at the G20 Summit of the October unemployment numbers, “were positive, but indicate once again that the economy’s growing way too slowly.”

“I’m worried about putting people back to work right now because those folks are hurting and the U.S. economy is under-performing,” he said.

The slight drop in numbers is actually do to the fact that less people were actively seeking employment. In October there were roughly 80,000 jobs created. This is a slight nose dive from September when 103,000 jobs were created.

Anyway let’s get back to this love story that is unfolding before our eyes!

A statement by House Majority Leader Eric Cantor continued this unbelievable stretch of good news that our leaders were agreeing to try things! ANYTHING!! “Today’s jobs numbers show little improvement, and with high unemployment forecast in the year ahead, we must set aside our differences and focus on areas of common ground to create jobs,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va.

Oh, my, the country could be improving right?! Please don’t tell me there is a catch. Everything is great right? Right?

Yup, everything is great. Unfortunately, members of the press were slapped upside the head and back to reality with the same thing that has been going on for the last three years. Immediately after agreeing that unemployment is too high, different sides then began an elementary style of the blame game. It was far from being cute.

First up in the blame game, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., blamed Republicans for not supporting Obama’s jobs bill.

“Americans are still hurting and Congress needs to remain focused on creating jobs,” Reid said. “Unfortunately, just yesterday Senate Republicans voted unanimously to block a bill that would have put hundreds of thousands of Americans back to work — including 3,300 Nevadans — rebuilding our crumbling roads and bridges and modernizing our air traffic control systems.”

This is pretty original.

NEXT PLEASE!

“Today’s job report underscores the need for immediate action on the more than 15 bipartisan House-passed jobs bills that are gathering dust in the Democratic-controlled Senate,” House Speaker John Boehner (R., Ohio) said at a press conference Friday morning. “There’s no reason — not one — for Senate Democrats to delay action on these bills any longer.”

I feel I must interject here. If you don’t understand the way that Republicans and Democrats believe jobs are created let me try to shine some light on it for you. The President and many Democrats believe that increasing government spending and involvement creates jobs. On the other side of the aisle, the Republicans want less government interference and believe that will spark businesses to hire more workers.

Personally, I don’t know which one is right. However, I would love to see some ideas coming forward that take in account what matters to each side. And even more so, what matters to the people!!!! WOW!!!! I’m dreaming, I know.

Anyway, I went to Pluto to talk to the country’s little known representative from there. Her name was Cee Mefeelme and she was an independent.

Congresswoman Cee Mefeelme, I-Pluto


“You don’t agree with what my side said, so it’s your fault it’s not improving,” said Junior Congresswoman Cee Mefeelme, I-Pluto. “If you would just totally agree with what I said then everything would be better by now!” continued Cee Mefeelme. She was full of joy. I had to get out of her office for the cyclops that had the next meeting. She told me how much she enjoyed listening to people that could only see one way.

To not stray to far from the fold, Nancy Pelosi immediately had to make it clear that without the democrats and Obama the country would be even worse than it already is. “I think it’s really important to know that President Obama was a job creator from day one,” [Nancy] Pelosi said at a Thursday briefing. ”Now, was the ditch that we were in so deep that when you’re talking to people and they still don’t have a job, that that’s any consolation to them? No.

“But I’ll tell you this,” said Pelosi, “if President Obama and the House congressional Democrats had not acted, we would be at 15 percent unemployment. Again, no consolation to those without a job, but an important point to make.”

An important idea to consider is to ask yourself, just where did Nancy Pelosi pull those numbers? Oh yes, her butt.

That sounds like fun. Let me try.

Without Coyote Rush writing Shockuations the world would have been overrun by androids and robots, forcing us into a battle not unlike Terminator. Again, there is no consolation to those without a job, but an important point to make. Thank God for Coyote Rush!

Anyway, the point is, the right, the left, the middle, the underwater, the hovering in the air, they all need to get it through their heads that to make something work in this country it takes compromises.

It’s amazing how many politicians talk about compromising during their campaign. As soon as they are in their seats on whatever side of the aisle, that’s where you’re going to find them for the rest of their term. Unable to step to the other side and say, I see what you’re saying over there and it actually makes sense. Let’s try to make it work.

Nope, instead we get the oh, the democrats made that, can’t agree. Then the democrats saying, we wrote this bill and the republicans won’t pass it. Well! Have you ever thought about getting together and compromising to a point that you can write a good bill in which both sides feel like they are winning? Wait, that would be the first step. Step two would be writing a bill that actually helped the citizens of the United States of America! What a shock! Unbelievable idea, unfathomable really.

Whatever.

Democrats- Shut Up.

Republicans- Shut up.

Now go to the center and share your toys.

Coyote Rush

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Plants, Animals and Insect Lifespans: Shorter or Longer Than A Kardashian Marriage.

Kim Kardashian’s marriage to basketball’s UNsuper star, more like, extremely mediocre player, Kris Humphries lasted a jaw dropping 72 days. How much of that time they: spent together, discussing divorce or counting the money they generated from the marriage is unknown at this time. What is known is that they made roughly 17 million dollars from the wedding.

In the United States, where being a homosexual is ridiculed and blamed for the downfall of mankind and ruining the sanctity of marriage: I’m so glad these two with already enough money to live happily for the rest of their lives decided to make a publicity event out of their marriage and rake in the dollars that arrived at their pseudo-house they lived together in, for the better part of two and a half months, then basically said “Just Kidding!” All I really have to say is, “seriously?” How can that possibly be worse than two men or two women getting married who ACTUALLY love each other? The answer is IT CAN’T!

The world is getting more and more outrageous, people are making less sense everyday. Yesterday, I seriously saw a bag with the words ‘Biohazard’ hanging out on the street in a parking spot! I’m not kidding! Deep inside I hoped “Oh, Halloween was yesterday,” but realizing it was more likely that some idiot just put that there, I had to force my mind not to race to the place where it tries to figure out what in God’s name is in that bag?! Oh, goodness.

Anyway, here are some things that their marriage outlasted and a few they sadly couldn’t.

1. Mayfly- A male Mayfly is an aquatic insect that life’s revolves around reproduction. The male Mayfly’s lifespan can be any where from 30 minutes to one day. Even if Kardashian and Humphries had sex on their minds they didn’t need to get married, proven by the Mayfly here.

2. Male Ants- The male winged Ant known as drones’ life expectancy survives a few weeks. Way to go Kim and Kris, two insects down!

3. Dragonfly- Just when we were getting some confidence in their marriage the poor Dragonfly’s little life last four months. Yup, four months, which is about 50 more days than their marriage. Otherwise known as 69.4% longer than their wedding bliss.

Pathetic. I want to say more, but I have to meet this story’s dead line. I haven’t came up with an article in six days which is 8.3% of their marriage!

Stay Tuned

Coyote Rush

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Fox Realizes That House Tries Way Too Hard: Refuses To Ever Cancel Show

Somewhere at some point some executive for Fox watches a preview or something for the new episode of House and says “What the hell?”

However, he doesn’t mention it to anyone. Especially anyone at Fox. He did mention it to me. Calling me on my cell phone at 3:42 A.M. just to whisper, “Hey, is this Coyote Rush?”

“Yes, it is. Is this the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson?”

“No, but I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I need to talk to you about someone that I put on TV that we put way too much emphasis on his pill taking ability.”

“You mean, House?” I said.

“No, well, maybe, I can’t talk to you on here.” Said some TV executive for Fox or something.

“But you are talking to me on here.”

“Well, if you want the story you’ll have to meet me at Starbucks.”

“What story and why there?” I said.

“I can’t tell you that.” Said some dude at Fox.

“It’s so dang early, what’s going on?”

“What time is it?” He said.

“I’m going back to sleep. I’ll put my phone on silent. Call back and leave a message.”

“Ok, I will.”

So, with great disdain, I went to a random Starbucks and it just so happened to be the Starbucks he was at.

He asked me not to mention his name, I listened, then immediately wrote his name down: Jimbo House Blowsintits.

Jimbo House Blowsintits was in his mid thirties and dumb as a bag of old paint chips. However, he told me within the first three minutes of meeting him fifteen times that his IQ was 152. I just kept responding with varying versions of “That’s cool dude.” A remark I made for many years in my life that is followed or preceded by a sympathy laugh. (He didn’t pick up on any of that.)

I couldn’t figure out if he was purposely that obtuse to hide his brilliance, actually really dumb, or a combination of any or all of those. Seeing he hadn’t even mentioned anything regarding anything, I asked him if he knew much about Geometry in which he launched into a four minute story about how he often thought of naming his first born child, Isosceles.

I pretended to care and said, “that’s cool dude.” He went on, telling me that he liked to put peanut butter on his soda crackers, very much liked to open a can of Cherry Coke before he went to bed, setting an alarm to wake him at roughly 3:00 a.m. drinking half of it, then going to the bathroom. During this story, I started packing up my things. I responded amid his story with a loud sympathy laugh and a “that’s cool dude,” that almost made him stop his story, but he didn’t. I was at the exit when he said, “do you ever watch House?”

I said, “No, but it pisses me off that they use Massive Attack’s Teardrop as their intro song.”

“Oh, I picked that song.” Said Jimbo House Blowsintits.

“Wait, you work on that show?”

“Yeah, I practically invented it.”

I walked directly to the table I was sitting at, smacked him in the face and sat back down. “Go on.” I said.

“Well, I called you because I didn’t know who else to call. I mean, there is always the Ghostbusters, but I didn’t feel they could do much in this situation. I just needed to tell someone that House’s continuous two day beard and always going against the suggestion of other doctors to save people’s rare diseases has got to the point of being embarrassing.”

I smacked him again for having anything to do with that show.

He pretended not to notice, but giant crocodile tears welled in his eyes the size of silver dollars. He continued, “it’s just, I don’t know how to end it… It’s one of the most popular shows on TV-”

I cut him off, “Have you ever watched TV? Every show on TV is TV’s highest rated and watched show. From ‘Pawnstars’ to ‘The Closer’ to ‘Two and a Half Men’ (and a baby). They are all TV’s most watched show.” Then I smacked him again.

By this point he was bawling. “It should have never got this far. I pitched the idea so long ago thinking it wouldn’t last and it’s been so long. It’s got a mind of its own. I don’t know if it can be stopped. Please, help me.”

“That’s cool dude,” I said, nearly sick from his story and the smugness of the Starbucks that surrounded me.

He wiped away his tears and asked me, “Have I told you that I have an IQ of 152? I don’t like to mention it, but I just wanted you to know that smart people make mistakes too.”

“That’s cool dude.”

“Do you know that no one even writes House anymore? Out of the blue, there is a new episode, with its own previews and everything. I fired all the writers two years ago. I shut down the set that the show tapes on. I personally killed Hugh Laurie!”

Hearing this story, I was quite sure that I was talking to a complete lunatic. So, just for the fun of it, I smacked him as hard as I could.

With this smack his face contorted into a mixture of a 13 story building, a telephone, a green light bulb and a Dandelion. He began thrashing in all directions simultaneously, which made him not move at all. His fingertips started blaring Massive Attack and finally, he evolved into a full grown Sloth.

I smacked the Sloth as hard as I could. ‘It’ moved slowly away from the table and took its damn time to climb a tree.

Jimbo House Blowsintits, was no more. Unfortunately, House and all of his stupid limping, was still scheduled to air at its regular time slot.

Stay Tuned!

Coyote Rush

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