The Shockuation Room

The reason that this story is being published is that my friend Danny said he would give me a pouch of Big League Chew.

I thought to myself, “seriously?” I hadn’t had big league chew since I was like eight years old and it undoubtedly one of the best damn experiences of my life.   There was no way you could just take a small portion out of the pouch. You had to take the whole thing. Look at the package. The guy didn’t have just a little lump of gum in his cheek, his whole face was contorted in the effort to fit the wad of gum in that oral cavity of his.

And why wouldn’t we try that? Look! They were doing real signs! He had a hat! And had some kind of uniform on, albeit possibly delivery men uniform’s, but that didn’t matter to us. We needed as much gum in our mouth as possible.

After little league practice and afternoon baseball games the stores made sure they had extra employees working. The employees knew to be wearing appropriate work attire and the stores provided the workers in the trenches with cheap military surplus gear or catching equipment.

There was no way to know who was getting proper payment, some days the mass of boys wanting gum won the war, other days the stores could haven taken in more money than they should have. It was impossible to know, trying to count the money for pouches of gum would have landed teeth and finger nails in delicate areas.

After thinking about all of this I pondered deeply to myself for several days.

I thought about what a terrible, useless, jumble of words Danny wanted me to assemble for him. I cringed. I thought about throwing them away completely and coming up with something similar to his topic, I cringed that my words could be that mind numbing, refreshing myself of how terrible my own writing can be. My mind was on the verge on cracking. Then the Big League Chew logo came back into view, I was invigorated, I had energy! I stood up and dashed toward the computer, I thought about his words and I passed out.

I was in some sort of a stress induced hallucinatory stupor, fragments of sentences describing events that didn’t need to be described in the first place being described so poorly, then a flicker of Big League Chew, then a run on sentence and I woke up.

I called Danny.

I told him that a pouch of Big League Chew wasn’t going to cut it.

I would need a pouch of Big League Chew and a Ring Pop.

So… As Per request of Danny, with minor to major edits in spots-

Dude Talk-

Three dudes were sitting in a Chinese buffet in a plaza of a small town. One of them had what appeared to be bruises up and down his neck, but to anyone that wasn’t a big stupid dumb idiot knew darn well they were hickies. It was about 1:30 in the afternoon, it looked like that they had just got up, but who was I just judge. I always looked like I had just got up, maybe it was because I never went to bed. No one really paid attention to me anymore, no one could tell the difference if I was a dude or a chick anymore anyway. It didn’t matter anymore because I didn’t care, anymore. Strangely, I was fascinated in their conversation.

The first conversation I could clearly make out was how trading twenty eight chickens and thirteen donkeys was a better system than trading things for money because in that system you get what you really want for things. I thought to myself, man these dudes are sharp.

Dude Talk- $29.99 a month

As always the topic becomes females and dudes have endless knowledge about them. That’s why around the world, if you look and study the charts, graphs and numbers there are no other group of people that are doing better than dudes at dating, marrying or striking out with chicks. It’s a fact. It’s actually a fun fact.

The dude with the bruises on his neck (or hickies if you’re hip) commenced to communicate with his friends, “so my girl and I started fighting the other night, I told her if she didn’t grow up she could call me when she came in off the playground yo. And I hung up.” His two friends seemed to totally be supportive of this course of action and when bruise boy went to get another plate of food the two friends turned to each other and said, “what a dumb ass!”

This made me nearly spit out my hot tea.

They turned around to look at me, and I gave them the creepiest girly guy smile I could muster and instead of me being embarrassed they were instantly and unsure why, but brilliantly embarrassed for looking at the he she. The spun so hard in their chairs that they squeaked. I was extra pleased now.

They purposely muffled their voices now, it mattered little as i turned up my creepydometer.

Dude 1-“I don’t know why Graham would tell Belle that, he’s such an idiot, he’s lucky she even listens to his stupid ass ideas, not to mention goes within five to ten inches of that mouth of his without bringing attention his great halitosis.”

Dude 2- “Graham would need a sign from good to notice that he has a flaw. Then he probably would only think it was God being sarcastically funny. He’s such an ass hole.”

Dude 1- “That’s why he has the girlfriend.”

Graham- “What are you two dweebs talking about?”

Dudes- “See that lady, uh dude over there? DON’T LOOK!”

Graham- “Then how am I supposed to know!?”

Dudes- “Go get a drink.”

Graham- “K.”

Graham walks by and I give him the cutest girly guy smile I could pull off, it was gold in my mind. I can see he was visibly shocked by the look in his eyes. I again try not to spit up my hot tea. (Why am I always drinking hot tea?)  Graham came back to the table.

Graham- “What the hell is that?”

Dudes- “We don’t know!? … While you’ve been gone, we’ve been thinking, you’re always talking about how you aren’t afraid of shit. And are willing to do things that make most people really nervous… Anyway, we think you should go talk to her or him. Find out his.. or um her name.”

Graham- “Dude, you got to be shitting me.”

Dude 1- “Come on man, what a story for when we get back to school in a few hours.”

Graham- “Alright, fuck it.”

I was prepared.

I was excited.

I was calm as a bomb.

Graham looked at me, I smiled, he smiled cautiously, I smiled bigger. I kicked out the chair across from me. Sit. I said. He did.

Before anything was said I asked, in the best unisex voice I could ever imagine, “Could I guess your name?”

Graham shrugged, looked over his shoulder at his friends who were in between looking concerned and dying from laughter. They gathered themselves and nodded support to their comrade in the trenches.

Graham looked back and said “sure.”

“Ok. Don’t give me any hits, hmmm, does it start with a Gggggg?”

“Yes.”

“DAMN IT I SAID DON’T GIVE ME ANY HINTS!”

The place went silent.

I stood up and said “FREE HOT TEA ON ME!”

That got the place jumping.

Sheepishly Graham muttered, “sorry.”

“It’s ok, I play guessing games very seriously, I suppose I play most games very seriously, I don’t like to lose. Now, back to your name. It’s nothing like Greg or George or Germano or Gaspar right? DON’T SAY ANYTHING!”

Graham looks back at his friends who at this point are actually starting to look slightly genuinely worried.

Graham fixes his gaze back on me with a look that seems to say please be kind.

Finally I come out with it. “Graham!”

“Wow! How did you?” Mouth open…

“Simple. It’s on your shirt.”

He looks down. It’s not on his shirt.

He laughs.

I don’t.

“So, Graham. Do you have a girlfriend named Belle?”

Graham went white. “Yes.”

“Have you met her parents?”

Graham regained a little of his composure and said “no.”

“Do you know their names?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Interesting” I said.

I didn’t say anything for fifteen seconds, yes I counted them.

“Can, I go sit with my friends friends now?” He squeaked.

“Wouldn’t you like to know my name first?”

“Sure.”

“It’s Danny and you can spell that anyway you want. Danni, Danny, Dany, Dan-E, whatever is good for you. Just make sure when you talk to Belle make sure you tell her we spoke.”

“O.O.O.ooooo.k.?”

“Actually, sit back down.”

“Ok.”

“Call her now.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.”

He picked up his cell from the table which he immediately dropped on the floor. He picked it back up. He steadied himself and made another attempt at the call.

“Hey, I’m good, but babe, just, hold on, one second. Belle, do you know someone named Danny?”

I stuck out my hand. I took the phone.

“Hello, HONEY!”

Graham knocked over all the hot tea on his pants.

Dude TALK!

Patty Millington and Michelle Collingsworth drove three hours to visit their friend Brad Ivory that had recently been admitted to a nursing home on account of his deteriorating mental condition, which they had great reason to suspect it was Alzheimer’s Disease. Their visit to Pleasant Meadow Retirement Community didn’t turn out as they had envisioned.

“We had thought we would surprise our friend and try to smooth his move into a new place.” Patty said.

Michelle agreed, “I had thought he would be excited and ready to tell us what he had been doing here for the past two weeks. Instead of that he acted like he didn’t even know us. It was pretty rude if you ask me.”  Michelle continued, “I asked the staff how his mood has been since arriving and they echoed a lot of the same behavior, I couldn’t believe it, I was ashamed to be his friend. I really thought of never coming to visit him again if he didn’t start appreciating the people trying to be there for him during this time.”

During the three hour visit Brad sat in a chair in front of the TV watching episode after episode of The Newlywed Game, exclaiming repeatedly how this was “the best damn new show to come out since the 60’s.”

The resident next to him, Jerry, couldn’t agree more. “I don’t understand why the picture quality isn’t as good as some channels, must be this damn box,” he said as he got up and assaulted the television with a combination of jabs and uppercuts like he had been a boxer before becoming completely senile.

Patty tried to engage Brad again, and it was more of the same.

Patty- Are you disappointed about the Tigers?

Brad- Disappointed? Didn’t you watch this season? Sparky Anderson took them to the promise land! The Padres had no chance! Almost a sweep. What a beautiful thing to see.

Patty shot a look at Michelle like what the hell is his problem? He isn’t acting right.

Michelle told me, “I know he is in here for a reason, but why can’t he sit and talk about some sentimental things from the past. I think he’s doing it on purpose!”

When Patty excused herself to use the restroom, Brad shouted with joy, “Patty!!! You’re here! This is such a surprise! Who have you brought with you?”

“That’s Michelle, Brad. She’s been here for quite a while with me. Don’t you remember?

“Of course I remember, we were just talking about how good this new show is! Seriously, the things they come out with these days. In 2000 we probably can change the channel with our minds!”

“Brad, it’s 2013.” Michelle said.

“No, that can’t be or I could change the channel with my mind. Sometimes I wonder why you aren’t in a retirement home somewhere with some of the shit you say.” Brad said laughing uncontrollably.

“Brad, you are in a retirement home. Don’t you remember that you started to put whole tuna fish sandwiches in the toaster. You had them completely made, mayonnaise, butter, cheese, tuna. Plop, right into the toaster and at the same time you would put your slippers in the microwave because your feet were cold, don’t you remember this?” Michelle said half sympathetic, half filled with annoyance.

Brad again laughed uncontrollably, “Have you ever had toasted shoes and warm tuna fish sandwiches on your feet? The tuna fish is so insulated, it provides a lot of padding, it’s sort of like, what’s that brand, Nike? Reebok? Converse? Chuck Taylor’s? Voit? Penny Hardaway’s? Fila? Damn I don’t remember, but damn it was good.:

Patty now chimed in, “Brad, you had to call either us or one of your family members to come fix your fuse box every third day from running the microwave and toaster at the same time, you really don’t remember?”

“I remember that was some of the comfiest shoes and best tasting sandwiches of my life. I’m so glad I’m here at this mansion, all these people waiting on me. Did you have anything to do with putting me here?”

“We had a small part in getting you-”

Brad cut her off.

“Jack Lemmon was one of the best catchers the Tigers have ever had don’t you think!?”

Michelle sighed, “He was in the Odd Couple, he never played for the Tigers.”

“You’re full of shit! He was on the World Series Championship team! He wasn’t an actor! What are you, some kind of an idiot? Chet Lemon was in the Odd Couple, this is ridiculous, look who can’t supposedly keep their shit together.” He laughed again hysterically.

Brad motioned to one of the staff and asked to have Michelle and Patty removed asking him to” send them back to the institution, I believe their Sunday release had expired.”

The staff, who was known as Seymour, said, “Brad, it’s Tuesday.”

“Don’t tell me what day it is! I’m 104 years old I know what day it is!”

“Brad, you’re 68 years old.”

“Seymour, have you seen this new game? It’s called the Newlywed Game? It’s ground breaking!”

At press release Brad was discovering Jell-O.

–James Dust–

Hello Shockuation Room Follows!

There is a drug that has been around since 2003, but recently has become far more prevalent and to many people it is a new drug that has originated and spread from Russia which has a huge epidemic and is now into different locations in the U.S.A. and to that I say, “yuck.” It’s based from a drug called Desomorphine. Desomorphine made pure is something like eight times more potent that morphine. The difference between Krokodil is that it is home made and far more disastrous. The users, and the people involved in treating or friends with users refer to it as Krokodil. Krokodil is made from a weird combination of gasoline, codeine, tropicamide, phosphorous, and iodine. It is taken intravenously and marketed as cheap heroin.

This is why you shouldn’t take Krokodil, it rots your flesh from the inside out that can rot all the way to the bone, cause gangrene and most of the time it results in amputation.

Not for the queasy….

http://redhotrussia.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/krokodil-drug1.jpg

http://s1.ibtimes.com/sites/www.ibtimes.com/files/styles/v2_article_large/public/2013/09/30/krokodil.jpg

http://images.latinpost.com/data/images/full/2703/krokodil-drug-rots-the-skin.jpg?w=600

Humans aren’t the only ones that are at risk for the drug.

There has been a growing concern of Crocodiles starting to use Krokodil…

This is the horrific side-effect of Crocodiles using Krokodil

Until next time, stay turned to the Shockuation Room!

Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.

-James Dust

Sandusky-

I had a half hour before my chiropractor came off of break. I decided to go to the library and goof off on the internet, but before that could happen the red rain began, not the bibical stuff, but the stuff out of my nasal passage. And it wasn’t a trickle… I didn’t have any paper towels, or napkins, I did have random paper bags that just seemed to smear the blood more and more. So… There I was driving down the road with a paper plate attached to my face because I had an out of control bloody nose. It was from the third circle of hell. I had blood everywhere. I skipped three people in the Dairy Queen drive thru because I was all out of options and ideas and  pulled in like it was a pit stop.

The precious girl at the register looked at me and said, “$7.09 please,” then she looked absolutely mortified as the blood had soaked through the plate and was running down any part of my body it could find an avenue down. I told her, “No, that’s not me, I need 30,000 napkins and a free water.”

She handled all that well and I was satisfied because of my new ability to stop my nose bleeding.

I drove away creating levees and dams against my nose, at a frantic pace, always keeping an eye on the road.

Then I looked at the water.

At first I thought I had lost a lot of blood and shapes and sizes weren’t coming in correctly. But then I held it in my hands and knew I was right.

So, you don’t know what to write…. ?

Me either. I’m writing things, let’s see if this goes anywhere.

Having writing block can be a lot of things.

You can be in the middle of a novel or short story and not know what to write next. You can constantly type a sentence or a paragraph and think… “yeah! That’s it.” Only to notice within about one minute or so your finger holding the back space button for what feels like infinity.

You also can be sitting around thinking, “gosh I really need to write something, anything no-less.” And… This is what comes…. (_______________) That’s nothing my friend.

Whoa, I almost just held backspace into infinity, but my left hand grabbed my right hand and pinned it on the side of the desk.

Lucky for you!!

———————————-

Once there was a girl who lived in Missouri. She liked Missouri well enough, that’s because she’d never been anywhere else. In fact she had never been out of her county. Her county was called Jasper. Jasper County is all she had ever seen. Joplin is where she had rested her head for all those multitudes of times of slumber.

Nineteen years ago her parents were  up in the air between a few different names to give to their daughter. They were not completely certain that they were having a girl, but they felt it in their hearts, and in their bones. Her parents, Jane and Charles, decided they could come up with a name for a boy on the fly if need be, but they wanted to focus on their new baby girl. It just felt right.

One of their names was Sabine Joe-Lee and the other was Jasmine Catherine. Their last name was Moon. Jane’s last name before marrying Charles was Oakes. And Charles before marrying Jane was Moon.

So, Charles and Jane Moon thought and thought. They would tell their friends completely different names they were thinking of, like: Adam Todd Moon, Brian Leroy Moon, Sarah Victoria Moon. And so on. Their friends loved their names. Jane and Charles beamed every time that there was a compliment on one of the names they would all discuss.

When their friends would leave, Charles and Jane would spend hours on the floor laughing and spasming, drunk on love and happiness. They would recount phrases their friends used to shower love on how wonderous a name that they had chosen for their soon to be child. Jane would barely be able to get out, “Adam Todd Moon,” one would say, “that sounds like a future president!”

Charles spitting up his drink then said, “Adam and Todd are two of my least favorite first names for boys in the world!”

And the laughing, rolling and spasming would continue.

A couple weeks later on the frantic ride to the hospital the spasming and laughing had diminished, instead all the spasming was going on inside of Jane’s body. Charles’ right hand was crushed and he thought it would never, ever be functionable again.

“FASTER!” Jane screamed in a dialect barely passable for human.

“OWWWWWW!” Charles screamed back, his mind only focusing on the agony of his right hand.

Instantly, Charles was forced to focus on more than just his hand as suddenly, he yanked his right hand away from Jane, managed to drive through two semi-trucks and missed a twelve year old boy delivering his paper route all at 63 miles an hour in downtown Joplin.

Jane screamed again, this time completely unintelligible and instantly Charles gave his hand back to her.

They both screamed together now.

Jane and Charles would arrive at the hospital at the same time, but be admitted for completely different reasons. Jane, obviously in the middle of childbirth and Charles would be scurried away as his hand was completely destroyed, hanging limply, mangled, like he had been trying to fend a panther away from Jane on the way to the hospital.

After Jane delivered a 7 pound 9 ounce bundle of blue eye, blonde hair female, they wheeled Charles into the room. Jane and Charles looked into their eyes and said Sabine!

And so it was.

Sabine Joe-Lee Moon was born September 24th.

From the first day of her existence on planet earth she was full of spunk.

She learned and grew quickly. She whizzed through school and broke a lot of hearts, “but it wasn’t on purpose” she would always say with a sly smile.

When she was 18 and had graduated high school she had to make the choice of going to work or going to school.

Jane, Charles and Sabine sat around the breakfast table, each of them with an eye on the other. They were waiting for who was going to speak first. They all cleared their throat at the same time and said, “well” but, then all stopped and laughed. It was 7:46 a.m. everything was funny.

Sabine said, “I’m going to Votterot College. It’s right in town and I can save a bunch of money sleeping here when I want.”

Charles jokingly said, “when you want huh? Like when you don’t have better offers?”

Sabine looked at her mom and said, “yeah that’s right.”

Jane and Charles knew that she had been taking care of herself well for the last three years.

————-

And that’s where Jane, Charles and Sabine are at.

In the last edition of “gosh these animals are fricking weird” we explored some common animals that are very bizarre. This article will describe some of the lesser known weird as hell animals.

Actually I’m going to start out with an animal we are all pretty familiar with.

1. Human

Human- The human is anywhere from 4 foot to over 7 feet tall, I won’t mention weight because it’s a sensitive subject.

Humans are super weird. They operate these giant machines that move at tremendous rates of speed. Most of the time they aren’t even paying attention. OMG I LOVE THIS SONG. OMG I GOT A TEXT. OMG MY MAKE UP. OMG I HAVE TO READ FIELD AND STREAM!!

Humans eat everything, meat, veggies, nuts, fruits, beans, popcorn, bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica, sugar packets, dogs, cats, poison. And so on.

Unless they are very ambitious, they leave other humans in charge of getting their meat or wheat to them the majority of the time. People that gather wheat, corn and other things are known as farmers. Farmers also can be humans that kill animals that humans later eat. Farmers for whatever reason are looked at as some type of idiots. I guess other humans do not like overalls or straw hats. I don’t get it.

Humans can reach top speed of, wait, they’re too lazy to try that. But, they can drive at ridiculously dangerous speeds. They even like to do that when they’ve drank a boat load of poison.

Eventually, they get married and have kids. Then they love their kids like crazy or they don’t and then the kids get taken away given to other parents who hopefully love the kids. And with marriage sometimes that doesn’t work out and a humans get a thing called a divorce. People also kill other people. A person is also known as a human. Sorry.

Some human right now is reading this thinking I am a dumb human and should get my human made computer taken away from me.

2. Aye-Aye

Yeah.

Those things.

They only live on Madagascar.

Aye-Aye- This animal HAS TO BE related to the person writing this article because it is the world’s largest nocturnal primate. This primate looks like a freaked out little rat or bat or something, but it’s not. Like I said, it’s a primate. The label of a “primate” is a thin one.

There are many different views and feelings on what the Aye-Aye could actually be, because certain parts of the Aye-Aye lead experts to make cases for their own views on the Aye-Aye. For example experts believe that the continually growing front teeth is similar to rodents, leading classifying the aye-aye with something similar to that of a rodent and as a squirrel, due to its toes, hair coloring, and tail. Weirdly, however, the aye-aye is also similar to felines in its head shape, ears, eyes, and nostrils.

They get their food in a very interesting manner. The Aye-Aye climbs a tree, taps on it to find grubs, when it finds a grub, it uses its insanely freaked out face and teeth to gnaw right through the tree, creating a hole. Once there is a hole the little fellow then uses an elongated middle finger to pull out the insects. I know, I’m thinking the same thing, “there has to be an easier way to eat than that.” But, that’s what it does! The Aye-Aye doesn’t only eat grubs it eats all sorts of things: fungi, nuts, insect larvae, fruits, nectar, seeds. And so on.

That makes this little beast an omnivore.

The Aye-Aye can live up to 20 years long. It weighs roughly four pounds and it is three feet long with a tail as long as its body.

Supposedly, the Aye-Aye is the only primate that uses a type of sonar to find its prey, that type of sonar is called echolocation.

Obviously, these animals have suffered traumatic events continually throughout their lives starting from the moment of birth. If not there is no way they could look the way they do.

I just wish Madagscar wouldn’t have been in the business of nightly terrorizing the poor Aye-Aye. They look to be on the verge of nervous breakdowns. Years and years of waiting around a corner for a Aye-Aye to appear to yell “BOO!” Has not done well for its psyche.

– – – –                  – – – — — I-I i———Hi–

3. Gerenuk

Gerenuk- The Gerenuk is also known as the Waller’s gazelle. It is a long necked antelope. The animal is found in East Africa in both the bush and the desert. Countries that Gerenuk claim as somewhat friendly living areas include Kenya, Ethiopia, Somalia and so on.

In the picture you notice they like to stand up like humans. That’s only because they feel bad for humans for being so weird.

Right?

 -Yep.

These weird guys like most others on the list had a difficult time growing into their bodies. And even once that was done it wasn’t like the mocking by those stupid hyenas or other ‘holier than thou’ attitude swagging animals.

They have tiny heads compared to the rest of their body, but in another joke God decided to give the Gerenuk eyes and ears that were not in proportion and instead large in scale with their head that almost appears to be too small to house a brain. God, does have a sense of humor. And it does make these guys look like weirdos.

These animals are a mixture of antelope, gazelle and a giraffe, which is a sad thing. They Gerenuk has long slender legs which helps them with speed, but it also causes a apolitically bad side effect: their legs tend to snap like twigs giving their predators a day off in the case of leg break.

They are weird. But, now I feel bad for how easy they can snap a twig leg. Maybe if they were smart enough to adapt to climbing trees they would be ok. Stupid, weird animals.

And another dog makes one of these lists…

4. Komondor Dog

Komondor Dog- These dogs are from Hungary and are very special in the country. It has been declared as one of Hungary’s National Treasures which is to be preserved and  protected from modification.

The K-Dog, which is what I’m going to call it for the rest of the time I talk about it is a very strong and powerful dog. It has a natural instinct to protect livestock and other property. The K-Dogs are one of the bigger breeds in the world and can be measured at over 30 inches tall. They are also known as Mop Dogs.

Their body is covered with what looks like many, many mops. And well, they are. Here in lies actually, how the first mop was every created.

An owner of a dairy spilled quite a bit of milk and after a good deal of nagging from the mrs. he called in his K-Dog known as Pricky Willy. The owner of the Diary. Vlad, got down on all fours to talk to his dog, “you’re a good dog Willy, you know that, right? You’re great!” And at that point he put his hand on Willy and must have found this rather ticklish so he skidded on his back directly into the pool of milk. Willy, not feeling the wetness of the milk yet rolled over on his other side. This maneuver cleared up almost all the milk. Vlad took Willy out and hugged him, drenching himself in milk. That was the beginning of the mop.

Venus Williams is a descendant of the K-Dog.

5. Superb Bird of Paradise

Superb Bird Of Paradise-

Wherever this bird is hanging out has to be great. And the bird is even better than that place. SUPERB BIRD OF PARADISE. It sounds like an extreme marketing campaign. Supposedly the reason for its look is to atract females. But, I know the truth. He’s showing off. He is walking around strutting his stuff telling everyone that he spent $1500 on this suite, he shouldn’t even be wearing it, he should be saving it. He’s annoying the tourists: he’s jumping in the back of pictures and photobombing, he’s circling weddings that happen in New Guinea and pooping on brides. He’s a selfish bird.

There are more males Superb Bird of Paradise than females and that’s because many of the females have became lesbians and went into hiding after all the show of cockishness and douchebagery.

Personally, I don’t blame them.

See what I mean?

“Ya’ll can go to hell. I am going to Texas.”

Davy Crockett, who died at the Alamo, once told his Tennessee peers in Congress “Ya’ll can go to hell. I am going to Texas.

“Don’t mess with Texas!” Some might say – Oasis
Why shouldn’t one mess with Texas? First of all, how would one ‘mess’ with Texas? Unless, of course, we are to understand that one isn’t supposed to dine in Texas.?.?.

mess –
n.

a. A group of people, usually soldiers or sailors, who regularly eat meals together.
b. Food or a meal served to such a group: took mess with the enlistees.
c. A mess hall.

Alas, lets clear our minds of such frivolous notions. Texas is a fine state, filled with desperadoes, bandits, country stars, cowboy hats and illegal aliens.

The word “Texas” was the Spanish pronunciation “Tejas” of the Hasinai Indian word meaning “allies” or “friends.” In fact, the Texas state motto is “friendship.” Ironically, many Native American tribes in Texas, including the Hasinai, were totally destroyed.

Perhaps this is why somebody of high intelligence said “ Maybe we just hadn’t ought-ta mess with that there Texas place”. We may never know……..

Note these great facts about Texas:

In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose on the beach.
Texas is larger than every country in Europe.
The city of Slaughter, Texas, has never had a homicide
Austin is home to the largest bat colony in North America. Over 1.5 million bats roost beneath the Congress Avenue Bridge over Lady Bird Lake and eat between 10,000- 30,000 lbs. of insects a night.
Approximately 90% of the world’s recoverable helium is located in the ground under Amarillo, Texas.

Now wasn’t that fun? Don’t you want to go Texas already? I know I do. I know, however, I definitely do not want to mess with it.

And the moral of the story is, YOU CANT TRUST THE SYSTEM

There has been a great interest in Bob since his debut article. I didn’t write a single word besides this sentence you’re reading.

Scientists are saying Brenda Johnson wrote it.

What is there to say about Bob? He hails from a little mountain town in Colorado, his mother a hobo’s companion, his father from the forest moon of Endor. A stranger welcomed him into his home only to abandon him in a baby bassinet on the steps of a kill shelter with a note citing he spent his days terrorizing his beloved cats.

Bobs shining earth angel appeared days later in the form of a kind hearted but dim minded college sophomore. She sneakily brought him back to her dorm room and it took all of three minutes for the distinctive smell of an Ewok to engulf the entire floor and get himself kicked off campus. The stink still lingers, as does the legend. So Bob got washed, waxed, buffed, and thrown into the belly of a plane with a one way ticket to Chicago.

-Bob Has a brother named Axel
– Bob gets washed and groomed monthly yet still smells bad. The smell is intensified by the rain
-Bob likes to eat women’s underwear, bars of soap, and Brenda’s retainers. Axel likes to eat these things too but the blame always goes to Bob
-One time Bob got caught by a sticky trap intended for a mouse
– Bob barks at garbage trucks buses and semi’s. Axel barks at other dogs and frail old men. If Axel is barking, Bob starts barking, but he doesn’t know why.
– Bob has googly eyes
– The more a dog hates Bob the more he likes them
– The more Douponce hates Bob the more he likes him
– Bob likes to sneeze in your face
– Bob wakes up at 6 AM just to scratch your face. He will continue to do so and jump on and off the bed until you get up and feed him.
Hopefully that’s enough. Feel free to write back with any questions, however, if you are looking to reach Bob for comment, he is currently on vacation at his summer home in Michigan.

Dude, we’re not hipsters. What’s a hipster anyway? You’re the hipster! Being a hipster isn’t even real. I like my scarf and hat and tight jeans when it’s 97 degrees out, it’s like a different form of a sauna. YOU’RE THE HIPSTER! There is no such thing as hipsters!

-Hipster (former)