The Shockuation Room

Well, I was keeping my eye out on breaking news for our loyal readers, when something flashed across the television on CNN. I thought that this piece needed to be summarized in case anyone missed it. Well the introduction to the story went something like this… “Just like your house, you need to do some spring cleaning on your computer, old bills, pictures and other unused items should be cleaned, and we will teach you how.”

To summarize the content of how to clean out your computer, click once on the item you wish to have help cleaning out, then click the delete button on your keyboard and accept. Bam your done.

With much NEWS!,
Fox Storm

So clean your computer NOW!!

Do not let your computer end up like this!

NEW YORK CITY- A long standing feud between husband and wife is finally coming to an end.

Chana and Simon Taub have been trying to get rid of each other for over half a decade, their prayers were answered Wednesday when a judge ordered for them to sell off the brownstone in which they share, two other homes and split the proceeds.

The couple has been through two separate trials, one a jury trial, still the court did not grant them a divorce. One of the rulings from the trials ordered the couple to do a very ordinary thing. Build an interior wall of Sheetrock to split the house and separate the couple.

Yes, that’s correct. The trial proved to provide a solution to solve the hatred of this couple, by ordering the couple to pull a trick from sparring siblings, “See that line? You can’t come across it!” So, yes a non-cartoon/movie judge told the couple to build a wall.

Since 2007 the couple has lived this way. That means Chana and Simon Taub have been splitting their million dollar three story brownstone for four years. Chana has been living in the top two stories with three of their children, Simon and the other child have the first floor. They have cut off all access to each other and Chana has said if she some how comes into view of Simon she runs as fast as she can in the other direction. This would be very believable if you believe the rumors that Mr. Taub has put cameras in her side of the house to spy on her. That made me feel pretty bad for her, until I heard that Mrs. Taub did the exact same thing. This is not the healthiest marriage.

I guess that living like that for four years wouldn’t be that bad, it’s a pretty big house. However, if you dig a little deeper, you find that the couple owns other homes. You may think to yourself, well maybe they both really like the neighborhood and that’s why they refuse to move out. I commend you for trying to think of a reasonable explanation. Throw your rational thinking out the window, one of their homes is a whopping two doors down.

According to a source, the home two houses away has a significant bat problem. Upon hearing this new information fell into a trance. All around me were people banging gongs, but instead of the usual gong noise it said, NEWWWWWWZZZZZ. I went up and asked one of the men banging a gong where I was, he said, “You’re in news world, dude.” I never wanted to leave this place after hearing that, but I immediately was snapped out of it because the source I was just speaking of smacked me in the face with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Anyway, the house two doors down, yes, supposedly has a bat problem remember? Why would this stop a millionaire from eradicating the bats and moving in, you know, being the bigger man and such? Speculation has it these are not ordinary bats, they are vampire bats.

Just trust me that this news sent me into an episode of madness. Could it be that the vampire bats are only posing as bats to fool people from thinking that they are true vampires? This would make sense to me. Why else would Mr. Taub stay in his home only to split the house in half and spy on his wife? Of course it’s because he is afraid of vampires sucking his blood, why else?

The judge in the most recent trial, like I said earlier is forcing the couple to sell the brownstone and two other homes while splitting the proceeds. Mr. Taub must also pay about $1.5 million and provide Mrs. Taub with $6,000 a month in support. Mr. Taub’s attorney stated that his client was happy about the outcome, while Mrs. Taub stated she would appeal the ruling.

I will leave you with this, is Mrs. Taub really a vampire sympathizer? Is that why Mr. Taub was okay with putting up a wall? Did he love her too much to leave her, but was afraid of the possibility of a Dracula type being coming into his bed?

Maybe.

Stay Tuned.

LOS ANGELES, CA –  Everyone’s favorite so-called “talent” show (that nobody seems to watch) is continuing its decade-long stranglehold on America’s television ratings. But after ten seasons and six different judges, American Idol may have finally gone too far–and the nation’s security could be at risk.

Many viewers know that American Idol started in the UK as Pop Idol. However, few realize that the show’s roots can be traced deeper to a nationally-broadcast singing contest in Indonesia known as Dephfir Tng-Ka, roughly translated as “Survival of Singers.” Although the Indonesian program bares little resemblance to the Fox mega hit (aside from an inordinate amount of Coca-Cola product placement), an important connection was revealed on Monday.

Each week, millions of viewers call Fox’s toll-free number to vote for their favorite performer. The roughly twelve million phone calls and text messages are received at Jayakarta Djakarta, a call center in Jakarta, Indonesia, according to Tenkrit San Phosphani, an NPR correspondent reporting on mass media in Southeast Asia. “It’s a madhouse,” says Phosphani. “It’s hard to believe that [the call center] can handle so many callers.”

And over the course of the season, the call center boasts only a 2% margin of error. How can this be? “Our workers are trained to handle many calls at a time,” says Detabek Jabodetabek, co-manager of Jayakarta Djakarta. The center is also responsible for calculating the results of Indonesia’s national and regional free elections. But in January 2010, ASEAN Secretary General Surin Pitsuwan called Indonesia’s national elections, “fraud beyond all known uses of the word.” So why does Fox rely on Indonesia for its vote counting?

The answer lies in an overlooked part of the USA Patriot Act and the deceitful actions of News Corporation CEO Rupert Murdoch. In a 2006 interview, Fox president Kevin Reilly revealed that he, Murdoch (an Australian by birth), and Fox chairman Peter Rice invested close to 3 billion dollars in Detabek Jabodetabek in 2001, just months before the premier of American Idol. Why would Fox be interested in funding an Indonesian call center? “The American government monitors all international telephone messages,” says Phosphani. “However, they ignore international SMS [text] messages sent to toll-free numbers.” Therefore, says Phosphani, rogue agents in the USA could easily transmit classified information to Indonesia during American Idol telecasts. Once the information reaches Detabek Jabodetabek, it is out of the eyes of the United States government.

But why would Fox want to help terrorists plot against America? “It’s all part of their big plan to take over the world,” says Caleb Ductko, member of Americans Against American Idol (AAAI), a non-profit group dedicated to exposing the truth behind the facade of the reality show. “Murdoch’s a foreigner, and he’s been after the USA ever since he became Fox’s CEO,” says Ductko. With millions of calls streaming to Indonesia every Tuesday during live American Idol performances, terrorists can send their secret documents without interference.

So is the show a complete farce? Not so, says Ductko. “Some of those people can really sing, but most of them are just anti-government agents hand-picked by Murdoch.” Jennifer Hudson, Ruben Studdard, and season four runner-up Bo Bice are among those listed by the AAAI as anti-American spies. But Ductko insists that William Hung is not a terrorist. “He can’t sing worth spit, but he’s one patriotic SOB,” says Ductko.

Prologue:
In my continuing pursuit to bring the world the hottest, most pertinent, absolutely spell binding news, I stumbled upon news that just could not be ignored any longer. I knew that the world must have the blinders pulled from its eyes, it was time. The size of the town does not factor in to the fact there is all sorts of news. Small towns can produce some of the biggest news in the world, and I’m not overlooking those towns.

Story:
This is an example of one of those small towns making big news. Oh, news, news swirled around me, then, that news made my blood sit up in my veins and say, “Coyote, listen, do you hear that? That’s news.” Now, maybe it’s me, but when my blood stands up and tells me to do something, I listen and I listen good. News is something I don’t take lightly and if you take news for granted then I pity you and your family.

The news from Mio, Michigan came under my door, slide up the couch, sat next to me and smacked me in the face. Mio has a population of roughly 2,000 people according to the 2000 census. According to the Oscoda Herald, , the Ambulance department in the first three months has increased 20% since last year during the same time period. This might seem as insignificant news to most run of the mill journalists, but if you dig deeper, you start asking some questions. What would cause this jump? Has injury prone people moved into the area forcing the ambulances to be deployed more often? Are the town officials actually trying to cover something up? Is Elvis still alive? How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Got Milk? And so on.

The thing that truly appalled me was the fact that there was no effort to explain what would cause this increase. I am forced to believe that everyone besides me must believe it perfectly normal to not explain the cause. Now, other issues are understandably not explained because of their unimportant nature, but a jump of ambulance use by 20%, really Mio?

After reading the article I immediately flew a hot air balloon to Mio. Coming into the town I could smell deception in the air and did it stink. If you try to hide news, you’ll just cause bigger, uglier news. After I climbed down from the top of a tree in which my balloon got snagged in, I started my inspection. I soon came about a man who called himself “Flipper.” Flipper was a young man that carried a switch-blade, obviously not trusting the local government. After much self grooming and mentions of rubber duckies, Flipper told me that it seemed that there was not an hour that went by in the day that he didn’t hear the ambulance or a police sirens scream through the town. Supposedly, the sound of sirens increased dramatically after darkness fell.

Upon this news I lost all control of my bodily functions. I was above myself staring down at my body while it was doing some of the strangest things I had ever seen. I started dancing, moonwalk, the robot, the worm and then I did the tango with Flipper. An ambulance went by and the sirens sounded as if it were saying, newwwwwsssss, neeeewsssss, neeeeewsssss. Amazingly at that moment I snapped back into my body while I was kneeling in front of Flipper with a rock that I was using to propose to Flipper. I stood up a second later and said, “never mind that I was just testing you, goodbye.” Flipper was confused but walked away looking disappointed.

I went to a local diner and sat down to think. I ordered a coffee, three pieces of cherry pie, fourteen glazed donuts and three steaks. By the time I was done with my meal I had formulated a pretty good idea of what was happening.

Let me recap:
The ambulance department has increased usage by 20% since the end of last year. The city officials have failed to even attempt an explanation for the increase. The sirens increased dramatically at night.

I will come right out with it. I wasn’t sure yet.

Could it be aliens? No, of course not, get serious. Could it be a bizarre attack of mutant grasshoppers? Maybe. Mio has been being ravaged the first four months of the year by something and didn’t know how to handle it or break the truth to its people. I had to find more information. I left the waitress $317.43 for the meal and headed straight to the hospital.

As I approached the hospital, things felt funky. The day was turning to night and I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into here in Mio. I walked through the hospital doors and spoke with a friendly man at the front desk. I asked him if I could speak with the ambulance director, but he was not in. Instead they let me talk to the janitor who moonlighted as the assistant ambulance director.

Tony Rigaronni was an older gentleman. He seemed extremely uneasy by the fact that I wanted to speak with someone from the ambulance department. Upon learning that I was Coyote Rush from the Shockuation Room, he became clearly insane.

I asked him why he thought the ambulance usage had increased since last year. He looked right at me for 28 minutes straight. Suddenly he looked panicked and pointed at something behind me, I turned to look and didn’t see anything. I turned back around to see him running out of the office.

I gave chase. The footrace lead me all throughout the hospital. I thought to myself, “where the heck am I?” I was totally lost in a hospital that I had never been in before. After wandering around for a bit, I stumbled out into the ambulance parking garage. I approached one of the ambulances as I noticed that every ambulance had a driver and were running. It seemed like they all turned on their sirens simultaneously. They drove out of the parking garage systematically. As the sirens faded into the distance I felt that no one had seen me so I found a secluded place and hid for the ambulances to return.

The sirens grew loudly and I sat in wait. The ambulances drove in one by one and parked. All turning off their siren as the reached a specific spot in the garage. The ambulance drivers got out and went to the back of the ambulance. They swung open the doors and began to pull out very pale and odd passengers that were in heavy restraints. The drivers took the many sickly looking passengers into the hospital. As they got closer to me I could see that these people were not well. They were without any color at all and appeared to be foaming at the mouth while making horrible groaning noises. After the last unfortunate patient was helped inside, I followed. I opened the door and they were gone. I walked around the hospital trying to find anyone. The hospital had become deserted. The lighting was suddenly very bad and I felt like I was in a poorly written horror story.

I walked the hospital half hoping to run into someone and half hoping to find an exit. I made my way into the cafeteria, I was parched. I spotted a pop machine and walked toward it with glee as much of my uneasiness slightly faded. I put two dollars into the pop machine and ordered a nice Dr. Pepper. As soon as the machine kicked out the pop, all the lights came on full and I turned around. The cafeteria was full of hospital workers and the half dead looking patients. A well dressed doctor came forward.

“Coyote Rush?” she said.
I said, “Yes.”
“Hello my name is Sara Van Dazzle.” she said.
“That’s a nice name.” I said.
“Aw well thank you, that’s kind. However, I did not come to flirt with you.”
“Oh, ok, then what did you come here for?” I said.
“I came to kill you.”
“Oh, I thought we kinda just had a moment there.” I said.
“We did, and this pains me, but it was what I was paid to do.” she said.
“Paid? To do what? And what does that have to do with me?”
“Well, Mr. Rush. We have been watching you for some time and we know your obsession with news. We have been having a little bit of a zombie problem for a month or so if you haven’t noticed from these fine individuals. Anyway, the city manager decided to have a staff writer from the paper write an article that you would find irresistible. We had him give just enough information all the time leaving out crucial bits of news that would drive you mad, forcing you to investigate.” she said.
“Wait, did you say news?”
“What? Don’t you care what’s going to happen to you?” she said.
“Of course I do, it’s news.” I said.
“Oh my god, stop talking about news.”
“You just said it again.” I said.
“Forget it, release them, I’m out.” as she walked out of the cafeteria.

I stood there wondering what I said. The hospital workers unstrapped all of the sickly looking patients that I recently found out were zombies. I ran behind the serving window and thought of what the heck I could do to combat these slow moving, brain hungry, half dead humans. I found a variety of condiment guns that were used to place mayo, ketchup and mustard, respectively. I grabbed the three of them and ran at the zombies. I shot the concoction into their eyes and then tried to spray the ground to hopefully act as in my mind, an oil slick from a cartoon or video game.

The zombies with random food flavoring sauce in their eyes were slowed even more and I ran to a window. Suddenly, I heard “get down, shut up, don’t mention news.” So, I did. Suddenly through the window I heard fully automatic machine gun fire. I turned toward the zombies to see them being mowed down. Within a few seconds the zombies were no more. I stood up to see who saved me. It was Sara Van Dazzle.

“I knew we had a moment.” I said.
“Seriously, stop talking.” she said.

So I did. We walked to the city managers home, Sara still having her fully automatic machine guns and I still carrying the mayo, mustard and ketchup guns. We knocked. The door slowly opened with our knock. Sitting in the dark was who I thought was the city manager. I didn’t even know his name. I was off to a bad interview. The man told us to come sit down. We did.

“So, you think you’re pretty smart do you Mr. Rush?” the man said.
“Well, kinda, but I honestly have no clue what’s going on, I don’t get it.” I said.
“You were not put into this position to get it Mr. Rush.” he said.
“Oh, well then I guess I am doing ok.” I said.
“Shut up! Don’t you understand?! Mio is the perfect place for us! We had to do this and you ruined it!” he said.
“uh…”
“Shut up! Don’t you understand how long this process was? First I had to gain trust and get the city manager position then we created a bacteria that would turn them into brain eating freaks and rid the town of humans. Then and only then could we relocate my planet We brought you here to kill you because we knew no one besides Coyote Rush would care about news in a small town!” he said as he stood up and unzipped his skin like a human jump suit.
“Why did you have to be the city manager to put this plan in motion?” I said.
“Rush! You don’t get it! You ruined my planet.” he said.
“uh…”
“Now you will die!” he said.

The only problem with this statement was when he unzipped his human jump suit he was reduced to 5 inches in height. I squashed him dead, sadly. After that we called the police and told them the story, we left out that Sara Van Dazzle had tried to kill me only to save my life later. In the city manager’s home I found a jet pack and flew out of Mio.

How’s that for news?

You’re in the Shockuation Room.

Until next time, keep your eyes open! And stay tuned.

Coyote Rush

Artist Rendering of Zombie

Summer time brings about grilling, swimming, laughing, playing and sadly, sneezing. We know the primary culprit is pollen. Types of pollen include: tree pollen, grass pollen, weed pollen, plant pollen, alien pollen, space pollen, human pollen and lastly the most dangerous of all- life pollen.

Now many of these allergies can be avoided or treated with a variety of different drugs such as various antihistamines. That works fine and dandy for some, but for those of you that still suffer greatly from those runny noses, sneezing, red eyes, dry eyes, no eyes, sore throats, devil horns and other symptoms that come from your specific allergy, I have great news.

The first thing that I recommend for all you suffers out there is to burn down all of your trees, plants and grass. That will prevent all of the vegetation from flowering thus limiting the pollination process. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Isn’t that a little drastic, Sanskrit?” My answer: no. The first question I have for you is, what is more important, the vegetation or you suffering from sneezing, dry eyes, red eyes, coughing, no eyes and devil horns? That’s what I thought, no one wants to sneeze for three months!

The second thing I recommend if burning down all the vegetation around your property doesn’t work is to become a bubble person. Yes, that’s right. In a bubble you control your environment to the precise levels that you desire! No more arguing with your children that the air conditioning isn’t cost effective. Now, you’re in a bubble! You want it 36 degrees? Go on, do it! You like to live in an oven? Be my guest, crank that thermostat up to 315, see if I care. That pretty much takes care almost all the pollen issues, including most life pollen.

Again, you may be asking yourself, “Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is this really necessary?” My answer: do you see any other plausible ideas?! I don’t. Your second question might be, “where am I supposed to get one of those bubble things, especially one as fine as the product you describe, Dr.?” Well, you’re in luck! My family has been in the bubble business for years! My family has owned a factory outside of Gary, Indiana going on 402 years! We custom build any bubble you can dream of. The president owns three different makes and models, all in a bunker under the White House. He puts on that bubble as soon as he stops making a public appearance or televised speech.

If you would like information on your own bubble please visit our website: www.bigtimebubble.com, call at 941-969-8675309 or email at bigtimebubble@bubblebubblebubble.com

Sadly, I have no recommendation on alien pollen.

My only suggestions would be to hope they are nice.

Stay healthy! Till next time I’m Sanskrit Grumpay, MD and you’re in the Shockuation Room.

Dr. Sanskrit Grumpay is one of the foremost intellectual leaders on everything.

-James Dust

At approximately 7:10 P.M. on April 24th, 2011 Vinny of Jersey Shore let us in on quite possibly the biggest news story of the year! The 23 year old star of the Jersey boardwalk shocked his 1,096,404 Twitter followers by telling a very large secret. In his shocking tweet he revealed this about himself, “I love sports trash talk, but at the end of the day its just a game. Athletes don’t pay my rent. I still love you all #happyeaster.”

At the site of this my jaw dropped to the floor. There was so much news in this singular tweet that some gland released a potent chemical hallucinogen in my brain and I was instantly floating in a sea of news. I was high in the air, but all around me were computers, televisions, laptops, radios, newspapers, magazines, pamphlets and ancient scrolls all full of news. There were men and women floating behind podiums blasting their wonderful news into microphones! I couldn’t read or listen fast enough to absorb all the news. I was turning in every direction and I, to my surprise had multiple recording devices. I still couldn’t keep up. After what seemed like hours, I awoke to find myself sprawled in the middle of the kitchen floor surrounded by glass after glass filled with chocolate milk.

After closer inspection I was not laying on the floor, but instead a makeshift bed made from a vast quantity of mass media (NEWS!). I couldn’t figure it out, but knew that something important had just happened and I struggled to remember what could have caused this strange series of events. After picking up the thirty nine glasses full of chocolate milk, I had a revelation. It was something that someone said on Twitter. I went back to my computer to research what it could have said. I came across the statement so full of news it caused me to go into a psychotic episode, “I love sports trash talk, but at the end of the day its just a game. Athletes don’t pay my rent. I still love you all #happyeaster..”

In this one tweet, Vinny let us know that he loves sports trash talk, but he didn’t mean it personally, but, even more shocking was the second part of this tweet. He let us in on his private life, that someone besides athletes pay his rent! Who could it be? A woman? A man? Donald Trump? Frank Stallone? Aliens? MTV? This was unclear and I knew there had to be some great news somewhere. Supposedly Vinny gets roughly $30,000 an episode. The way the cast spends money *my calculation is that Vinny is roughly $381,115 dollars in the hole*. Thus, coming back to the original question, who pays his rent!? He didn’t mention that to his loyal fan base. The last part of his tweet I found to be rather charming, not only spreading love to the world, but also wishing everyone a happy Easter. Joy.

All information received was from a reliable New Jersean named Giovanni Rossi, pictured below during one of the brief periods when fist pumping is not occurring.

If you have any information on who possibly pays his rent, please let me know as soon as possible.

Remember, you’re in the Shockuation Room!

Follow Vinny

*Coyote Rush only passed Math 058 in college and does not claim to be accurate.

Scouring the internet I came across a small town in Wyoming known to the locals as Greybull. At first glimpse I found this town to be charming and bursting at the seams with breaking news, but after further inspection I came across a tragedy. Looking for more on this special town I went to the website of the local newspaper The Greybull Standard. I was so excited as I looked at the paper, there was so much news it made my heart race! However, after my initial wave of ecstasy I looked closer and that is where I found one of the most shocking and unbelievable display of apathy for their crucial job responsibilities. The website had not been updated since June 11th, 2009!

In their carelessness they overlooked what chaos this would cause not only the town, but the state of Wyoming. As the world moves closer and closer to paperless, the citizens of Greybull are being left behind. How are they supposed to get their news? More importantly how am I supposed to get their news to the world? This is not only perplexing, but honestly sends me into a state of dread. Now, I know there is news happening in what I first thought could be the next great city of the world, however, where is it?

Is it possible that aliens visited this town? Through the statement of a concerned individual that lives in the neighboring city known as Basin I was relayed this information. He was visiting an old news making friend in the city on the night of the possible alien contact. This is what I gleaned from his heart wrenching eyewitness account. These hypothetical aliens came on June 17th, 2009 at around 3:31 A.M. The witness who asked to remain anonymous told me of a glowing orb in the middle of the darkness that hovered in sky slowly descending on the quiet town. It eventually came down in a vacant part of the city. Sadly, this is where his story gets foggy. He remembers some strange force compelling him to walk toward the Greybull City Hall. When he arrived at City Hall, the whole town had gathered there. He said that there was a group of what looked like well dressed men that he didn’t recognize. The men asked for all the citizens that worked at the local paper to come inside. Half of the group went inside with the Greybull Standard employees. The other half of the well dressed men started performing feats of strength as well as magic acts. Speculation is that the employees of the Standard were forced to undergo a brain wipe. However, this was not an all encompassing erase. It only focused on one part of their brain, their ability to remember how to update their paper on the website.

I know you’re as shocked as I am.

The witness wanted to remain nameless, but not faceless. He was filled with glee at the prospect of having his picture taken. This was news to me, and made my heart race.

Stay Tuned.

To our loyal followers: You’re in the Shockuation Room- Where news and information is being provided to you all the time. Standing by: The Shockuation Room is monitoring all possible avenues of information breaking across the U.S. and the world. Happening now… We are Coyote Rush and Fox Storm and now you’re in the Shockuation Room.

So, I have a real estate closing Friday.

I am in A desperation need for $.

I just received a call for a Substitute teaching job, for………….. no other Friday.

Luck?

YEPP….fadsf.asd.f
a

I will just laugh

I have been cracking myself up even more than normal lately. I don’t really know why. I see someone walk by me and they are perfectly normal and probably have more money than me, and I just crack up.

Am I going insane?

This time I say no.

Cracking yourself up is a good thing in my book. Unless you do it blatantly, obnoxiously, stupid (and have an annoying laugh).

Basically, just do what you feel unless it’s insanely rude to someone.

And if it is, just think about doing it and laugh.

Yours,

Justin A. Marshall