The Shockuation Room

“Ya’ll can go to hell. I am going to Texas.”

Davy Crockett, who died at the Alamo, once told his Tennessee peers in Congress “Ya’ll can go to hell. I am going to Texas.

“Don’t mess with Texas!” Some might say – Oasis
Why shouldn’t one mess with Texas? First of all, how would one ‘mess’ with Texas? Unless, of course, we are to understand that one isn’t supposed to dine in Texas.?.?.

mess –
n.

a. A group of people, usually soldiers or sailors, who regularly eat meals together.
b. Food or a meal served to such a group: took mess with the enlistees.
c. A mess hall.

Alas, lets clear our minds of such frivolous notions. Texas is a fine state, filled with desperadoes, bandits, country stars, cowboy hats and illegal aliens.

The word “Texas” was the Spanish pronunciation “Tejas” of the Hasinai Indian word meaning “allies” or “friends.” In fact, the Texas state motto is “friendship.” Ironically, many Native American tribes in Texas, including the Hasinai, were totally destroyed.

Perhaps this is why somebody of high intelligence said “ Maybe we just hadn’t ought-ta mess with that there Texas place”. We may never know……..

Note these great facts about Texas:

In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose on the beach.
Texas is larger than every country in Europe.
The city of Slaughter, Texas, has never had a homicide
Austin is home to the largest bat colony in North America. Over 1.5 million bats roost beneath the Congress Avenue Bridge over Lady Bird Lake and eat between 10,000- 30,000 lbs. of insects a night.
Approximately 90% of the world’s recoverable helium is located in the ground under Amarillo, Texas.

Now wasn’t that fun? Don’t you want to go Texas already? I know I do. I know, however, I definitely do not want to mess with it.

And the moral of the story is, YOU CANT TRUST THE SYSTEM

There has been a great interest in Bob since his debut article. I didn’t write a single word besides this sentence you’re reading.

Scientists are saying Brenda Johnson wrote it.

What is there to say about Bob? He hails from a little mountain town in Colorado, his mother a hobo’s companion, his father from the forest moon of Endor. A stranger welcomed him into his home only to abandon him in a baby bassinet on the steps of a kill shelter with a note citing he spent his days terrorizing his beloved cats.

Bobs shining earth angel appeared days later in the form of a kind hearted but dim minded college sophomore. She sneakily brought him back to her dorm room and it took all of three minutes for the distinctive smell of an Ewok to engulf the entire floor and get himself kicked off campus. The stink still lingers, as does the legend. So Bob got washed, waxed, buffed, and thrown into the belly of a plane with a one way ticket to Chicago.

-Bob Has a brother named Axel
– Bob gets washed and groomed monthly yet still smells bad. The smell is intensified by the rain
-Bob likes to eat women’s underwear, bars of soap, and Brenda’s retainers. Axel likes to eat these things too but the blame always goes to Bob
-One time Bob got caught by a sticky trap intended for a mouse
– Bob barks at garbage trucks buses and semi’s. Axel barks at other dogs and frail old men. If Axel is barking, Bob starts barking, but he doesn’t know why.
– Bob has googly eyes
– The more a dog hates Bob the more he likes them
– The more Douponce hates Bob the more he likes him
– Bob likes to sneeze in your face
– Bob wakes up at 6 AM just to scratch your face. He will continue to do so and jump on and off the bed until you get up and feed him.
Hopefully that’s enough. Feel free to write back with any questions, however, if you are looking to reach Bob for comment, he is currently on vacation at his summer home in Michigan.

Dude, we’re not hipsters. What’s a hipster anyway? You’re the hipster! Being a hipster isn’t even real. I like my scarf and hat and tight jeans when it’s 97 degrees out, it’s like a different form of a sauna. YOU’RE THE HIPSTER! There is no such thing as hipsters!

-Hipster (former)

This list is not the top weirdest animals in order, instead they are listed as when they pop in my mind. So, let’s begin…

1.Walrus-

The Walrus, weighing in at an obese weight of 3,700 lb, is a huge flopping, flipping mass that has something that resembles Elephant skin, and the most obnoxious tusks in the world.

Do you want me to call a dentist, she might be able to refer you to an orthodontist.

Not only does the flipping, flapping and random fighting get annoying, but have you ever heard one of their pathetic attempts at communicating?

The sounds they make are ridiculous. A few of them sound like buzz saws or steam whistle sounds that signify the end of a work day…

http://youtu.be/cF_k6SxgbbE
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Follow that to some weird noises.

Just think about how weird they are. They serve little to no purpose and are incredibly weird.

2. Anteater-

The Anteater is a strange, strange animal. Look at its stupid head. No, seriously, look at it. It looks like an attachment to a vacuum.

And now some smart ass person out there are going to say, “but isn’t that the best way they would get the most ants?”

To that I would say, “shut up!”

Moving on, they range from around four foot to almost six feet long. Their weird vacuum attachment head and the rest of their body weighs from 70 to around 90 pounds. And in all of that weight the entire purpose of these ridiculous creatures is to just eat and eat and suck up and lick ants and termites. What a life!

The Anteater has a lot of features that make it weirder, weirder, and honestly just for a lack of a better of a word, weird. They look for food at night. They can rest their vacuum head to sleep as much as 15 hours a day. They do not have teeth. However, they have a long, sticky tongues which can extend up to two feet in length to send bugs to a lake of hell-fire. Surprisingly, because they have a vacuum attachment for a head, the Anteater has an extremely intense sense of smell, around 40 times that of humans! God, they are weird. Guess what? They have claws! And their claws are used to rip open concrete-hard termite and ant mounds.

Not only does the Anteater look like a complete idiot and wander around seemingly as aimless as a drunk college student, but the anteater has to visit up to 200 nests to consume thousands of insects just to come close to reaching its caloric requirements. Although the Anteaters eat about 30,000 insects a day, they spend just a few minutes gorging themselves at any one ant nest or termite mound, removing a few thousand insects from each.

What a weird and stupid animal.

And to finish up on how weird they are… Listen to how an Anteater sounds like a car that is failing to start.

3. Hammerhead Shark-

These poor, poor, pathetic fish.

I dare you to tell me they weren’t made fun of at school.
(Get it, they sometimes swim in schools of fish) Let me pop this bubble right now, they were made fun of, a lot, by nearly everything. Seriously, look at them.

After years and years of bullying, the Hammerhead Sharks became extremely aggressive hunters, feeding on smaller fish, octopuses, squid, crustaceans and even other Hammerhead Sharks, see how much they hate themselves? They eat themselves for crying out loud! These sharks do not seek out humans, but if a human is stupid enough to start swimming around them and making fun of them for their ridiculous heads and faces the sharks are very defensive and will attack when provoked. Provoked meaning something like, “hey sharky! You gots yourself a stupid head!”

Hammerhead Sharks are from roughly 11 to 20 feet long. They can weigh 500 to 1,000 lbs (What a bunch of fatties) These sharks can live their supremely weird life from 20 to 30 years. That sure is a lot of time to be weird.

Last look:
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><><>< 4. Bob-
Bob. Bob is a dog. He is a very nice dog. However, this does not change the fact for one second that he is exceptionally weird.
Bob wakes up by scratching your face clean off and continuously jumping on then off the bed.

Now, Bob has been known to sneeze for no reason whatsoever for up to twelve times. A person can bring about these sneezing attacks with the littlest effort you’ve ever seen in your life. A Bob, when thirsty which is always, sticks his whole face directly into the water bowl.
He resides in Chicago, Illinois, when the air quality becomes poor, Bob will immediately lay on his side. This is a warning to all of his friends that the Weather Channel has issued an air quality advisory. Bob is as cool as a cucumber, but man is he weird.

5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-
5. Giraffe-

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The Giraffe is the world’s tallest mammal, you better believe they stood out early in their life. And other animals like Hyenas mocked them without cessation. I know a fact that is unknown to nearly everyone else in the world… The reason the Giraffe’s neck grew so long was in an effort to not hear those stupid hyenas laughing away. Now, there is no way to prove that, but trust me it is the reason. Gosh that’s weird.

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The extremely bizarre and weird legs of the Giraffe are over six feet long. This allows them to run up to 35 mph in short distances, during a long distance run they can maintain a comfortably speed at around 10 mph. After adding their ridiculous neck parts along with their silly legs, Giraffes are roughly 14 to 19 feet tall. Giraffes don’t seem to weigh that much, but don’t let them fool you. They weigh from 1,750 to 2,800 pounds.

This and a Giraffe weigh about the same.

I don’t think I’m making this as clear as I should. Giraffes are super weird. Look at their weird faces. Do you know they have giant purple tongues?!

Bozeman, Montana- After a highly publicized tempestuous 35 year relationship with himself that was filled with infidelity, finally ended today as John Mayer left another former lover in his wake. Neighbors heard Mayer saying, “YOU SAID MY BODY WAS A WONDERLAND!” and “I’m bigger than my body now!” The screaming at the top of his lungs like he was running through the halls of his high school was followed by a gigantic crash and feedback from a live amp.

Rumor has it that an interview in which he spoke about Jessica Simpson’s love making ability finally drove him over the edge…

(I apologize that all John Mayer ever does, excuse me did, he loved to say extremely idiotic statements that made everyone besides girls cringe, even himself obviously.)

This quote about Jessica Simpson could have been the straw that broke John Mayer’s back, “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…

There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

At press release there was no time table set for a revenge love song.

President Obama on Syria- I’m noting going to do anything, it’s Syria’s problem, but at least it’s not Rwanda.

President Clinton on Rwanda- “We didn’t know what was going on, just didn’t have the information (SAID ANY PRESIDENT EVER, NOT! HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW??? YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT!) so we didn’t do anything, but at least it wasn’t WHATEVER NIXON DID”

President Nixon on Whatever, “At least it wasn’t Bangladesh!”

President Ford on Bangladesh- “Hey, at least it wasn’t Cambodia.”

President Carter on Cambodia- We told the world that Cambodia it was wrong, thought that would be enough just didn’t turn out well it, wasn’t my fault. At least it wasn’t the Holocaust.”

President Roosevelt- “At least it wasn’t… I GOT NOTHING.”

Outside- Yup.

Pittsburgh- There are ongoing protests and boycotts of Walmart. These people believe that Walmart is responsible for: destroying local, smaller businesses, unfairly treating their employees. These people also believe that Walmart’s quality of products are poor. Lastly, they find Walmart to be “anti-American.”

I frequent Walmart quite a bit because of their low prices and their products are very good, don’t believe me? Take a stroll through the deli and meat department buy a couple of their steaks, they are outstanding. That is no lie.

However, you may see some horrific sites at Walmart, and that’s because Walmart has dumbed down so many customers that they just show up wearing whatever and sometimes Halloween costumes on days like April 23rd, it doesn’t matter to them and Walmart accepts them with a warm embrace.

So, Walmart has already established the fact that they are cool with everyone. Even this lady.

Let’s just assume that’s for someone else… However, that beer has produced at least one little ‘expected’ bundle of joy.

Now to tackle the issue of Walmart’s employees’ helpless morale.

Just look at the contradiction of the employees being taken advantage of.

And…

Does this lady seem distraught???

Listen:

The people, the possible customers flock to Walmart, just flock, rush, knock each other and beat each other to a pulp to get through the door! Don’t believe me? Well?!

Ok, remember how I said Walmart begins its domination at the door? Do you also remember how I said that Walmart has done so well at dumbing the people that come into their store? It all starts at the Enter/Exit sign.

Now, it may just be me, but don’t stores have you enter from the right hand side of the door? But, at Walmart they force you to do something wrong. If you go in through the normal way then you didn’t follow the instructions. Following the enter/exit sign causes you to enter from the left side, which just doesn’t feel right. So, as soon as you enter the store you’re immediately dumber.

According to this guy, you’re doing it right.